Fanatical Apathy

Ancient History

A mere 17 months after September 11th, and New York's city fathers have decided that we've now got enough distance from the WTC attacks to choose a suitable memorial/ replacement/ redevelopment/ park/ shopping center/ office complex.

Personally, I wasn't aware that we've attained that much perspective already. Doesn't the present condition of the site adequately reflect the way we feel about it - an open wound? Wouldn't common decency demand that we hold off on contracting architects before we've apprehended the architect of the slaughter? If this were a slasher flick, we'd be 40 minutes into the film: The captain of the football team's been found garroted and hung from the ceiling fan, the police have traced the call - and it's coming from inside the house! ...this is not the moment to build a monument to all the slain cheerleaders, folks, this is the time to grab a conveniently-displayed antique farm implement and head for the door.

But no. Apparently it's already time for victims' families and venture capitalists to squabble Jerry Springer-style over the blueprints. And sensible voices have been drowned out. For example, my plan to construct a 120-story "Kick Me" sign has been repeatedly returned by City Hall.

[Photo: Governor Pataki views the new Trade Center:
"Could we put a no-fly zone over the Cinnabon?"]

Maybe it's the right thing. Maybe our collective memory IS that short. So although it would have seemed unthinkable to turn Pearl Harbor into a museum in 1943, perhaps if we don't construct the memorial now, people walking by the site of the WTC in 2004 will look at the empty space and muse, "Hmmm, didn't there used to be some kind of... thing there?"

We can't have that. So let's get a-building, so that in a couple of years we can step out of our fancy new offices, buy a pair of relaxed-fit jeans and a frappuccino, and sit down to talk office politics with Joe from Accounting. All on hallowed ground.

From "The White House Super Fun Time Activity Book"

[Note: If you want to view this entry in a cleaner format, just click here.]

"If we're an arrogant nation, they'll resent us; if we're a humble nation, but strong, they'll welcome us. And our nation stands alone right now in the world in terms of power, and that's why we've got to be humble... I'm not so sure the role of the United States is to go around the world and say this is the way it's got to be. "
- Gov. George Bush, from the Presidential Debate, October 12, 2000

"When I hear my policies and my nominees attacked in a hostile and partisan way, I simply hear the echoes of an era behind us.  I'm not going to take the bait.  I'm going to lead this country to a new level of respect."
- President Bush, May, 2001

U.S. Secession From Earth Nearly Complete

Washington, Tuesday (FA wire) - With today's announcement that the U.S. is willing to release oil reserves independently of its partners in the International Energy Agency, the Bush administration acknowledged that it was fast running out of international agreements to renounce.

"We're way ahead of schedule," confided one State Department official, "If you had told me during the inauguration that by this month we would've already declared our independence from the UN, NATO, the International Criminal Court, missile treaties, Kyoto, international trade agreements, and the IEA, well, I would've called you a crazy dreamer!"

The pace may even be too quick, according to some Administration officials. "Frankly, we're running out of things to renounce. And with the elections still 20 months away, this creates a bit of a problem," said one Republican strategist. "Declaring independence is the American way, and it plays really well with our support base. But what's left?"

What indeed. The Bush administration seems split on how to deal with this impending crisis. On one side are those, apparently led by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who believe that the U.S. could further violate already-renounced agreements. "Basically, we've buried 'em, but we can still spit on the graves," said a Defense spokesman, "To use another metaphor - we've driven by the U.N. and mooned 'em, but we haven't stopped the pickup, turned around, gotten out, and beaten 'em with baseball bats. That's something to look forward to."

But there's another faction, led by top advisor Karl Rove, which feels like simply declaring independence again from already-renounced international accords simply doesn't go far enough. "Bo-ring," said one highly-placed official, "Been there, violated that. What we need is to get our diplomatic asses in gear and negotiate some new treaties so that we have something to rally the troops against and distance ourselves from in '04."

Still, there's cause for hope. "There's always the Geneva Convention," said an inside source, "We can't really step out of that now, because it's part of our case against Saddam. But once Iraq's been pulped, I think we'll get some big numbers out of stepping away from that one. I mean, Geneva's a European city, for godsakes. And they speak French. You're looking at a 5% poll bump right there."

Scenes from the Grammys

Though you missed it, last night was the Grammy Awards. In case you've never heard of 'em, the Grammys for the past few years have been an unsuccessful reality show in which a group of graying music industry executives heap every conceivable award upon a just-out-of-high-school female singer in the hopes of demonstrating to the world that the recording industry is alive and well.

Last night was no exception, and young Norah Jones walked away with five trophies while proving the old adage, "Sweet-voiced, just-out-of-high-school female singers really make lousy acceptance speeches." All right, this might not actually be a well-known proverb. But old adages have to start somewhere.

Here are some of last night's highlights:

- After a rare reunion to perform "The Sound of Silence," speculation abounded that Simon and Garfunkel were going to reunite, record a new album and tour. Fortunately, Fanatical Apathy caught up with the two of them backstage just after their performance to get the lowdown.

FA: There's a lot of speculation you two are going to reunite, record a new album and tour. Any truth to that?

SIMON: No.

GARFUNKEL: You bet!

FA: When can we expect the new album?

SIMON: There isn't going to be a new album.

GARFUNKEL: Maybe next fall. But it's going to be great! Hey, Paul, I've got this idea for a song about crickets. It starts kind of like [singing:] "Hey there, field fiddler/ Fiddle one for me..." Maybe we can get together on Tuesday and-

SIMON: No.

FA: So, what about the tour? Are you going to be playing all the old favorites or breaking out the new stuff?

SIMON: Neither, we're not touring.

GARFUNKEL: We haven't decided yet. We're just so glad to be together again and find that the chemistry's still there.

SIMON: No it isn't.

GARFUNKEL: [singing:] "Field fiddler in the night/ dum dee dum dee dum all right..." It really works, man. You should come over and-

SIMON: No.

GARFUNKEL: Hey, Paul, are crickets grasshoppers? That'd be great, because we could rhyme it with "show-stopper," you know, like they're-

SIMON: I hate you.

- Much was made of the Grammys' return to New York City for the first time in five years. Nothing was made of the fact that the show's absence from New York was due to a nasty, undiplomatic feud between the producers and a pre-canonization Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. Heroism covers a multitude of past sins, including the Deadly ones (which in Rudy's case included Pride, Anger, Avarice, and Lust - and that's just in his dealings with the Grammys).

- The new National Academy of Recording Arts President, Neil Portnow, made the annual "The Music Business is Alive and Well" speech. If anyone wants to hear it, I can send you the mp3.

- Elvis Costello, Bruce Springsteen, Dave Grohl, and Silvio from "The Sopranos" offered the best entertainment of the night in a passionate rendition of the Clash's "London Calling" as a tribute to the late Joe Strummer. Elvis and Bruce seemed unfazed by the Academy's verdict that despite their mature and thoughtful new albums, both of them had quite a lot of work to do before they could rise to the level of, say, a Norah Jones.
The song itself seemed oddly relevant, both to the event and to the larger events of of the year, so I'll leave you with a small sample:

"The ice age is coming, the sun is zooming in
Engines stop running and the wheat is growing thin
A nuclear error, but I have no fear
London is drowning-and I live by the river

London calling to the imitation zone
Forget it, brother, an' go it alone
London calling upon the zombies of death
Quit holding out-and draw another breath"

Last Chance - Act Now!

"President Bush said on Saturday the United Nations had a last chance to prove its relevance by adopting a resolution the United States will propose that could pave the way for war on Iraq."
- from Reuters

Like that shady store down the street that has been having semi-annual Going Out of Business Sales for the past decade, President Bush continues to issue ticking-clock ultimatums to the world at large. The difference here is that when you ignore the store's advertising, they don't send a salesmen to your house to to drop off a blender and forcibly remove $23.99 from your wallet.

For a brief history of Bush's Resistance-is-Futile brand of diplomacy, you can do a simple Google search under "Bush 'last chance'." It turns up 59,000 results.

And yes, they all appear to be relevant. Happy reading.

Casual Friday: Three Weddings and a Vintner

Having just comleted the taping of this week's "Wait Wait," I find myself in beautiful Times Square with an hour to kill at America's grungiest cyber-cafe (think "Blade Runner" in Smell-o-Vision). So why not take this opportunity, dear readers, to turn from world news to local events right here in the Free Republic of Felbania? I trust that the frequent complaints that I don't Share enough around here will in short order become a chorus of "Enough about you already - we'd rather read 1,000 hysterically funny words on the 'bird flu' outbreak in Hong Kong."

Be careful what you wish for, folks, coming and going...

- Congratulations to Elliot, winemaker and frequent commenter here at Fanatical Apathy, for his admirable appearance on this week's show as a listener contestant. Not to give away the outcome, but our man performed with uncommon skill and touching loyalty. You can, of course, hear the voice behind the cyber-presence this weekend.

- I've received my wedding pictures, and as soon as I can purloin some time with a scanner I'll post some of them in the designated thread in the Forum. The bride looks absolutely stunning and radiant, but for some strange reason the groom came out looking less dashing than... well, goofy. There must have been a smudge on the lens or some sort of weird flaw in the developing process or something.

- I'll be hosting "Felber's Frolics" tomorrow night [Newcomers: when following this link, please ignore the unfortunate ol' photos and know that I did not marry my own sister - this was her brilliant and probably illegal method of procuring free web space for advertising]. So come on down and see how much less entertaining the show is without my multitalented sister at the helm. The reason I'm stepping in from my usual role as musical sidekick: She's bought the farm. Well, more of a house, actually - a charming country retreat for her and her husband, which they're closing on this weekend. Mentioning the Prettier Felber reminds me that she's been blogging fairly regularly of late, and - bad brother that I am - I've yet to provide you with the link. Perhaps she doesn't want me to, come to think of it. But she's out of town and won't be able to actually pummel me for several days, so.... here it is.

- Finally (yes, we Felbers are an industrious folk), my saintly mother, currently grousing about a conspicuous lack of grandchildren, has compensated by birthing a new novel, which will soon hit the stands. All rumors that the title has something to do with me being a mail-order husband are somewhat exaggerated.

So there you go. Now stay tuned for sharp satire about sneezing chickens...

The Boy Who Cried McCarthy

Well now we've done it. Yes, liberals, I'm talking to you. For the past 40 years we've called every single bit of conservative penny-ante smear or casual demagoguery "McCarthyism." But we couldn't resist, could we? After all, until Watergate, it was the most prominent and useful bit of American lore for us to invoke - it was a chapter of our history wherein everybody agreed that those war-mongerin' repressive xenophobes had taken their narrow and dangerous definition of patriotism and gone too far.

So we beat that drum, didn't we? Beat it and beat it with a regularity you could set your watch by. Rights curtailed? "McCarthyism!" The word "liberal" is being used against us? "McCarthyism!?" Benny's not allowed to sing "Satan's My Best Pal" in the school talent show? "McCarthyism!" Yeah, maybe we had a point, but there were other terms we could've used. We could have saved it for a rainy day,held onto it, so that when we really needed it, it'd carry some weight.

Like, for instance, now.

When we talk about the McCarthy era, we tend to remember blacklists and Communist Party members and doctored photos and Joe McCarthy's eyebrows. And most of us have probably conflated all that with poodle skirts and tiny televisions and Elvis getting wounded in Korea but being saved on the operating table by Alan Alda. We Americans get our history and our entertainment from the same device, which is about as sensible as keeping your compost heap in the fridge, right next to the fresh broccoli.

[Joe McCarthy: President or something...
or managed a ballclub... or hosted the
Ed Sullivan show, maybe.]

What we've forgotten about the era is that McCarthyism wasn't about the big hearings or the direst accusations. It was a state of mind, like all "isms." It was the toxic effect that McCarthy's brand of "Americanism" had on the minds of all of us. The way that people no longer felt safe speaking up. Because even if you weren't branded a Fellow Traveller, your lack of wholehearted support would at least get you at an Honorary Weak Sister badge.

It was a poisonous mindset, we all agree now. Nowadays we can see that America was engaged in a seemingly endless, nebulous war, that there was a very real threat, and that in all the hubbub we somehow lost sight of the fact that respectfully disagreeing with our government's methods did not mean you were "soft" on the enemy. It was hysteria, and it was being fueled (or at best ignored) by those in the top level of our government because it made getting things done a whole lot easier. We realize that now.

So why, after several weeks of barroom shouting matches and watching and reading all the "debate" over the upcoming killapalooza in Iraq, have I not found any pro-war individuals who are willing to hear criticism of the Bush administration's monumental diplomatic cock-ups as anything but unpatriotic, head-in-the-sand, lily-livered, Saddam-lovin' subversion? Every call for the Bush administration to change its tone or patch up crumbling alliances or work with the U.N. is met with accusations of weakness or (more commonly) with all-too-successful attempts to turn the discussion to the topic of whether the speaker is aware of just how very bad Saddam really is.

And it oughta be obvious, right? Your kid gets into a fight or two at school, well, maybe he's taking care of a bully or working out some issues or shoring up the inadequate supply of lunch money you've been doling out. No big deal. Even if he loses a friend or two, okay. People change. But when he stops getting along with several of his best friends and goes around screaming "I'm fine! I'm fine! I don't need ANYBODY!" you'd probably start to worry, right?

We're losing Turkey, fergoddsakes. Turkey. That's like your kid losing the weird but loyal fat kid who used to see him as his only viable link to any kind of social life. Turkey! They were a big part of our invasion plan too. That's like your kid losing the friendship of the weird fat kid the day before said fat kid's Dad was going to take the two of them on that long-awaited and much anticipated trip to Disneyland. You'd say something if that happened, right? You know you would.

Only now you can't. Or rather, you can, but all you'll get in response is a lecture about your ignorance of Saddam's extreme badness and how we never really liked the French/Germans/Russians/Chinese/Turks anyway and how the real problem might just be you, subverting our spirit and weakening our resolve as we prepare to march off with fewer and fewer friends towards an inevitable and righteous war.

Me, I'd like to cry McCarthyism. I'd like to be heard when I say that it's possible to be a patriot and think that war with Iraq might be necessary and right, but also believe that we're doing it the wrong way. And when I'm told that this belief makes me weak or traitorous, I'd want to shout "McCarthyism!" and have it mean something.

But I can't. We can't. We done used that one up already. Damn it, we should've just told Benny to choose a different song when we had the chance, or at least avoided using the M word on our protest. We should've saved that one.

We need a new word. And, god help us all, "Bushism" is already taken.

A Brief History of US Diplomacy, 2002 - 2003

The Presidents' Day Blizzard

Greetings from sunny New York! Here in Brooklyn, we currently have close to two feet of snow on the ground, with more on the way. As you've probably heard, a big portion of the US has fallen victim to the Presidents' Day Blizzard, which strikes me as oddly appropriate for this holiday, and for our current President in particular. The similarities between the storm and the Shrub are legion:

- They're both very, very white.
- They're both light and fluffy.
- They both obscure the details, rendering things in smooth, rounded, general terms.
- They are both costing our nation billions of dollars.
- Both are widely talked about in the news, but neither has held a single press conference.
- Both of them have piled it up so high that we'll be shoveling for a long, long time.

etc...

Four Million Al Qaeda Members March on Strategic Targets

Further Proof of Saddam-Terror Connection, White House Says

Washington, Saturday (FA wire) - Over four million members of the Al Qaeda terrorist network emerged briefly from hiding at various locations around the world today, chanting anti-American slogans and denouncing the United States' upcoming war against Iraq, bolstering the Bush administration's evidence of Iraqi-Al Qaeda collusion.

The terrorists disappeared just as quickly, expertly melting in among the general population.

"Their level of sophistication and ability to rally their support network is truly staggering," said one senior administration official, saying that the action underscored the need to act firmly against Iraq and to strengthen the Patriot Act in order to prevent further terrorist activity.

The simultaneous worldwide action could have caused up to $340 billion in property and massive loss of life, according to sources. "We don't have the figures yet," said a ranking intelligence official, "but that's a projection of what we could be looking at."

The White House views the assault as a blatant attempt to sabotage American efforts to disarm Saddam Hussein, providing "proof positive" of a strong link between worldwide terrorism and Saddam Hussein.

"People requestered a smoking gun, and now they've got one. As far as evidence goes, this is pretty inconvertable," said one White House Chief Executive, who asked not be identified further than that.

No immediate retaliation is planned, but the Department of Homeland Security urged Americans to be on "Dark Orange alert, maybe even Burnt Umber," to report any suspicious activities immediately, and to stock up on duct tape, bottled water, prescription drugs, and "any of the fine products put out by your friends in America's oil industry."

Welcome to 1961

CIA 'Sabotaged Inspections and Hid Weapons Details'

The Good News: The spy novelists of the future will have plenty of new CIA conspiracy adventures to write about.

The Bad News: It'll read like this:

Prescott dashed into his office and lowered the blinds - he had a job not to do. The phone rang; Marcella.

Suddenly, without warning, his arm didn't dart out and he didn't hit "Send" on the computer screen before him. Sweating now, he hung up and fled the office, telling himself that it was just another job not done...

The Rove/Bush Emails (Part 73)

" WASHINGTON, Feb 12 (Reuters) - The White House acknowledged a rift with Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan on Wednesday over the need for economic stimulus favored by U.S. President George W. Bush, and sought to play down the Fed chief's warning against deficit spending."
- from Reuters

From: georgewbush@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 12, 2003 12:24:02 PM US/Eastern
To: karlrove@whitehouse.gov
Subject: greenspan

Rover -

Does Greenspan hate me?

- W

-------------------------------------------------------

From: karlrove@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 12, 2003 12:28:34 PM US/Eastern
To: georgewbush@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Re: greenspan

Of course not.

-------------------------------------------------------

From: georgewbush@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 12, 2003 12:45:13 PM US/Eastern
To: karlrove@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Re: greenspan

Well... he's been doing this job since like Rogaine was president, right?

-------------------------------------------------------

From: karlrove@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 12, 2003 12:51:43 PM US/Eastern
To: georgewbush@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Re: greenspan

"Reagan." Yes.

-------------------------------------------------------

From: georgewbush@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 12, 2003 1:01:54 PM US/Eastern
To: karlrove@whitehouse.gov
Subject: greenspan

And, like, Dad said that he NEVER, ever disagrees with a president in public, right?

-------------------------------------------------------

From: karlrove@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 12, 2003 1:05:02 PM US/Eastern
To: georgewbush@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Re: greenspan

That's right.

-------------------------------------------------------

From: georgewbush@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 12, 2003 1:10:34 PM US/Eastern
To: karlrove@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Re: greenspan

And now, he's all like "I don't like the tax cuts" and "building up deficits is fisically unresponsible."

Is he right? Are we like selling out the future so we can make a little extra money for us and our friends? Are the tax cuts just gonna make things worse? Or does he just hate me?

-------------------------------------------------------

From: georgewbush@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 12, 2003 1:16:32 PM US/Eastern
To: karlrove@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Re: greenspan

Karlster?

-------------------------------------------------------

From: georgewbush@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 12, 2003 1:20:02 PM US/Eastern
To: karlrove@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Re: greenspan

Rovey? Didja get my email? Come on, it's almost time for "Teletubbies."

-------------------------------------------------------

From: georgewbush@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 12, 2003 1:23:08 PM US/Eastern
To: karlrove@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Re: greenspan

Hello? HELLO!?
Hellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohello
hellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohellohello!!!!!!!

-------------------------------------------------------

From: karlrove@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 12, 2003 1:26:42 PM US/Eastern
To: georgewbush@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Re: greenspan

You're right. He hates you.

-------------------------------------------------------

From: georgewbush@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 12, 2003 1:31:33 PM US/Eastern
To: karlrove@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Re: greenspan

thought so. Bastard! Hey, can I come over to the oval office? I got the new Game Boy.

-------------------------------------------------------

From: karlrove@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 12, 2003 1:35:04 PM US/Eastern
To: georgewbush@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Re: greenspan

Rain check - I have work to do.

- K.

The New Fanatical Apathy and You: A Primer

Our new look has generated a lot of reaction from all over the Axis of Good. Here's some tips, replies, and sundry pieces of business:

- Since so many of you were searching the site for "Bushlet," I've imported it into the new format and put it in the new, searchable archives. If there's any other old favorites that you'd like me to make more accessible, just let me know. It's not hard to do.

- If you're using Netscape 4.x... Apparently, this site doesn't look all that terrific anymore in that venerable browser. Netscape 4.x is a very old browser (it was first released shortly after Bill Clinton began his second term), and it predates some of the standards that this site now uses. There are, however, some solutions: If you widen your browser window, it'll look better. If you click on the time code for each entry, said entry will open in its own, well-formatted window. If you download ANY more recent browsers (Netscape 6 or 7, IE, Mozilla, Opera, Safari, etc.), the site'll load jes' fine.

- Many of you have expressed dissatisfaction with the results of the 2000 Presidential Elections. I can't fix that (though apparently someone did! Hey! Thank you, ladies and germs!).

- As for other feature's you've requested (like email notification)... give me some time. I still haven't gotten around to creating everyone's requested avatars in the Forum. Or posted the requested wedding photos. Or come up with an internationally acceptable rationale for immediately attacking Iraq (sorry, Don, I'll get right on that...).

U.S. Stymied by "Axis of Wascawwyness"

With Iran's announcement that they're opening a uranium ore processing plant, the Axis of Evil's strategy has finally become clear to U.S. intelligence agencies.

"Great horny toads! The carnsounded critters are messin' with us, dagnabbit," said one source close to the investigation.

Analysts say that Iran's announcement is but the latest gambit in a strategy known as "International Whack-a-Mole," wherein evil nations pop up and announce evil programs repeatedly, only to slip under the radar before the United States can hit them with a big, furry mallet.

"The terrifying endgame to this strategy is what we should guard against," said an intelligence official who asked to be identified only as a 'super-genius,' "Just when we think we've got all the holes covered, one of them will appear behind us with an even bigger mallet, and the resulting whacking will cause us to make disturbing accordion-like noises as we stagger away. Trust me, I've seen it."

The case that all the evildoers are "in cahoots" was only strengthened yesterday, when a U.S.-led allied charge into a cave in Afghanistan was cut short when the cave "entrance" turned out to be merely painted on a rock wall. Several coalition soldiers sustained "minor but hilarious injuries." "It's mystifying," said a military spokesman, "Several of our operatives saw suspected Al Qaeda members fleeing into that cave just moments beforehand!"

Still, there is cause for optimism. Today the Bush Administration announced a $65 billion contract with the ACME Corporation to develop and produce a new generation of "rocket boots," that will enable our soldiers to pursue the enemy at superfast speeds. "I'd wike to see them wun fwom THAT," said President Bush with a chuckle, "Wet's put it this way - this time we have them wight where we want 'em!"

etc...

Excerpt from "J. Ashcroft, Private Investigator"

" Attorney General John Ashcroft has directed federal prosecutors in New York and Connecticut to seek the death penalty in a dozen cases in which they had recommended lesser sentences... In 10 current cases in New York and two in Connecticut, U.S. attorneys decided not to seek the death penalty. One involved a defendant who pleaded guilty in exchange for testifying against other members of a drug ring."
- from The International Herald Tribune

Chapter 7

It was 9:24 PM. I was in my office, sifting through the evidence, trying to find the key to this whole mess. I had just poured myself a double scotch to grease the wheels of inspiration when I looked up and saw her.

I don't know how long she'd been there, but she had my attention now. Legs as long as a Saturday afternoon ballgame, but a lot more interesting. A waist you could belt with a napkin ring. And above that, two breasts that might as well've had "Hindenburg" tattooed on their sides; they were that big and that buoyant. And that dangerous.

And that metallic. She was a statue.

How could I have missed her all this time? I draped a blanket over her filthy charms for decency's sake and headed down to the docks. I needed fresh air. Not that there was any of that down at the docks, but nothing overpowers the smell of stale fish like a fresh lead. At least to a dick like me.

------------

Curtis the Rat was right on time, standing near some crates, hands at his sides where I could see 'em. He was a good rat, the kind you could keep as a house pet and train to fetch grandma's slippers, but he was still a rat. And rats can't ever be housebroken, so I kept my hand on my piece; if there were going to be any stray pellets around here, I wanted to be responsible for 'em.

"Jack, it's good to see ya! Real good. You look great - you been losing weight??"

"Save it for your bridge club, Curtis. You got anything for me?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure, Jack, I got it. Just like you asked for."

"Well, come on, then. I'm double parked."

"I thought you walked here."

"So?" Curtis was beginning to get on my nerves. But you can't reheat soup without bringing up some scum, and this case had been cooling off for so long that the little chunks of carrot were starting to look green.

"Okay, Jack, but I want your word that you're gonna drop the whole First National Bank thing. That's a deal, right? A deal's a deal. We're square now."

"Sure thing, Curtis. We're square. Consider the charges dropped."

"Great. Aw, Jack, that's just great. Here." He pulled a greasy envelope out of his pocket. "Here ya go. The addresses of everyone in the Diaz gang, pictures, and a list of what they done."

"Are you sure this is everything?" I asked with just a touch of a threat in my voice. Call it Code Orange or something. I get those colors mixed up.

"Yeah, Jack, that's everything. I swear ta god."

"You know I don't like swearing, Curtis. But thanks. And here's your reward." I pulled out my piece and leveled it at him. His eyes got as big as pie plates, but tonight's special was gonna be humble pie for this lug, and he was gonna eat it, all right.

"Jack, wait! We're pals, right? You can't do this! You said you'd drop the charges!"

"That's the state charges, Curtis. You're clean on those. But this here Smith and Wesson is all in a twist over your federal violations..."

"But - but - I don't get it," he sputtered. "Why the hell did I cop a plea with you if you're just gonna ice me anyway?"

"That's a good question, Curtis. You got me stumped. So, I'll tellya what - you can ask Saint Peter for me."

"Jack, no! I-"

The shot echoed off the water, and Curtis' ugly mug got a lot uglier in a hurry. A minute later there was a faint splash as I sent him in for his last swim. Unfortunately for Curtis, the lifeguard was off duty.

-------------------------------

Later, in Joe's Bar, I threw back a whisky and looked at the new evidence. It was good. The Rat had done his homework, all right, and I felt a little bad that he was never gonna graduate. But that's the way it had to play. I didn't write the rulebook; I just colored in the pictures. And if I only had a red crayon, well, Curtis should've seen that coming. After all, I wasn't his priest.

I was a dick.

F.A. TV Review: This Way to the Egress

"Excessive media attention continues to destroy what's left of Michael Jackson. Film at eleven!"

27 million Americans tuned in to watch last night's Michael Jackson documentary, and I was one of 'em. The numbers aren't as impressive as Britain's (half the nation watched), but it's pretty impressive. We still love our freak shows, but (as the popularity of reality television proves) our high moral standards demand that the anomalies be self-inflicted. Unfortunately, after settling in for a good evening's gawk I was treated to a media spectacle that made Michael seem almost rational by comparison.

Well, almost. Before I go on, I oughta point out that Jacko is obviously crazier than a sack of spider monkeys. He's a walking passion play, a police sketch artist's composite of what our culture's obsessions with youth, beauty, and fame might look like if given a (somewhat) human face. He's easily our finest Loony Millionaire since Howard Hughes, and he grants access!

[Photo: Michael Jackson, stumping even the
greatest minds in the comic captioning business.]

But about midway through the program I detected the distinct aroma of ludicrous self-importance and personal puffery coming off of interviewer Martin Bashir. What's a journalist to do when his subject cheerfully reveals every quirk and eccentricity in the first five minutes of an interview? An unschooled viewer might assume that all Jackson really needed was a camera and enough rope!

This is when Bashir went into a desperately weird PI mode, turning the camera on himself and stomping around like a Nabokovian antihero. We were treated to long monologues about the difficulty of his task and moody shots of Bashir staring at the sea and contemplating how he was ever going to confront Jackson one last time about his plastic surgery (the answer, it turned out, was something like, "Um, so, one last time, have you had plastic surgery?").

I suppose it is problematic when you've got a subject who is so devastatingly transparent and all of your "revelations" have already been covered by every news outlet in the world. So perhaps Bashir can be forgiven for some of his odd behavior. But it was odd.

Example: The Germany trip is a disaster. Jackson dangles his baby from the balcony, nearly chokes said dangler while neurotically feeding it the next day, and then ambles off to get his other kids killed at the zoo. All of this had been reported previously.

Then Bashir's voiceover cuts in and direly intones that the Tragedies of Germany were not over for the King of Pop. He would suffer one more abject humiliation...

Cut to the "Let's Honor Michael Jackson Awards" or some such nonsense. The ceremony's in German, Jackson can't tell when he's being introduced, and he ALMOST ENTERS BEFORE HIS CUE. Fortunately, he ducks behind a set piece and kinda crawls awkwardly out of the way.

Now, anyone who's been part of a live event before knows that this kind of thing happens all the time, and there's not a performer out there who hasn't blown an entrance a couple of times. Jackson in that moment didn't seem especially freaky, he just did what I and thousands of other performers would've done. But Bashir would not leave Germany without an Exclusive, so his increasingly melodramatic voice went on and on about the DEGRADATION, the HUMILIATION, and the BIZARRE way that Michael shrugged it off later. Sifting through my own backstage memories (like "The Tale of the Pants, the Embarrassingly Spilled Drink, and the Overly Warm Hair Dryer" - a classic!), I gave silent thanks that none of them were narrated by Martin Bashir. I'd have committed myself to a middle income nuthouse long ago.

Then, of course, there was ABC's "rebranding" of the British program: Barbara Walters solemnly providing encapsulations and previews (in English) of what Bashir had already encapsulated and previewed (in English). She could not have been less useful had she been reading the closed-captioning aloud along with the program. And THEN there was the continual misconduct of the paparazzi, which made me, a lifelong gun opponent, start thinking that some judicious hunting might thin out the herd and benefit everyone...

I couldn't watch the "Primetime Live" special that followed, though apparently 23.5 million Americans were made of stronger stuff. Suffice to say that the opening, featured Chief Inspector Bashir receiving his prize: being interviewed. By now he was in high moral dudgeon, implying that Something Ought To Be Done, and very evidently in desperate need of a crisis counselor after spending eight months with a famous loony.

I turned it off. It was too much. We only tuned in to laugh at the freak, and I ended up overwhelmed with contempt for the callous cruelty and petty ambition of all mankind. And where's the fun in that?

Powell Delivers "Smoking Gun" Evidence at U.N.

Transcript of Bush/Putin Phone Call

"MOSCOW (Reuters) - President Bush telephoned Russian President Vladimir Putin (news - web sites) Tuesday to discuss latest developments on Iraq, the Kremlin said. Bush used the hotline to Putin on the eve of a crucial speech..."
- from Yahoo!

PUTIN: [inaudible]... Um, hello?

BUSH: Pooty-poot?

PUTIN: Huh? George?

BUSH: How ya doin'?

PUTIN: But... [inaudible]... What are you doing with calling at this hour?

BUSH: What're you talking about? It's the middle of the day, P.P.!

PUTIN: Not here it is not.

BUSH: Not readin' you there, Poot. Is this some kinda Star Trek wormhole thing? Like you're traveling back in time, and I'm goin'... no wait, it'd be you tra-

PUTIN: Nevermind. I am now awake. What is it you are calling about?

BUSH: Well, you know... Iraq. I was kinda wonderin' if you're ready to say it was, like, okay for us to go in and attack now.

PUTIN: No.

BUSH: Okay, gotcha. [pause] How 'bout now?

PUTIN: No.

BUSH: Now?

PUTIN: George, please be stopping with that. I have told you, we would like to be seeing some more of the inspections, or at least some evidence of weaponry or obstruction.

BUSH: Right. But the thing is, we'd really like to invade pretty soon.

PUTIN: I know. I wish I could help more. My people, though, my advisors...

BUSH: It's just not fair, that's all.

PUTIN: There there, George. Be looking on the bright side - tomorrow is your Mr. Powell's big speech, no? Probably he will present enough evidence for us to justify the war. You have said there is much evidence, no?

BUSH: Yeah, about that... [inaudible]

PUTIN: What?

BUSH: Well, what if - now remember, this is all hypnothetimal here - but what if the evidence Collie lays down is more like... um...

PUTIN: What are you saying?

BUSH: Well, more like evidence of evidence, y'know?

PUTIN: No, I am not knowing this.

BUSH: Well, I mean, it's good evidence, from what I've seen! But some people might call it, uh, circumcisional.

PUTIN: Are you talking about not having the smoking gun satellite photos and documents that you have been with the promising of?

BUSH: No! We have 'em! We got the satellite stuff and documents. They're just more like, more like...

PUTIN: Yes?

BUSH: ... artist's renderings, kinda. Would that be good enough?

PUTIN: What? Of course not.

BUSH: They're really good. With all the right perspectivication and stuff. I mean, it looks just as real as like, remember when in "The Two Towers" that guy with the beard is falling with that firey whippy guy, right? And then the fire guy's all like-

PUTIN: Enough! I am be going back to the sleep now.

BUSH: So, um, does that mean you'd back an attack now?

PUTIN: No.

BUSH: Fine, fine, that's your choice. [pause] How 'bout now?

PUTIN: Good night, George.

BUSH: Now? Was that a yes?

PUTIN: [inaudible]

BUSH: Hello? Pooty-poot? What, are you just gonna nap all day? No wonder those pesos of yours aren't worth anything! Hello?

[end transcript]

Our Grand Re-Opening!

As you can see, we've snazzified ourselves around here. Gargantuan thanks must be extended to Deb from "Sometimes I..." She made this redesign happen. I simply played Gilligan to her Skipper.

Henceforth, all 2003 Fanatical Apathy entries shall be Searchable. They shall be Instantly Archived. The Permalinks to various entries shall be truly Permanent. So it is written; so let it be... uh, written.

Also, I think there's an RSS feed thingie around here somewhere. Probably on the wall or something, I prob'ly just gotta move a few doohickeys around and adjust the thingamabob a little... Let me know if it's "on."

Worry not, though: All your old, brilliant comments, along with the old archives (in the old format), can be accessed through that link over there on the right (the one that's cleverly disguised with the words "Old Archives").

More changes are to come, no doubt. But for now just come on in and make yourselves comfortable; after all, we've got a constantly-approaching war to watch, a new session of Congress to provide us with heartstopping thrills and chills, and a bank heist to plan... Truly, our cups runneth under.

A Simple Plan

Bush's new budget projects a $307 billion deficit. Now, cynics might say that Bush has abandoned all pretense of fiscal responsibility and is following the modern Republican tradition of digging a deep hole and then mocking the Democrats who are forced to fill it in with tax money. But we don't necessarily NEED to raise taxes to fill the hole - all we need, as the administration keeps telling us, is a hyper-stimulated economy.

Of course, the tax cuts are supposed to stimulate the economy. But the last round of tax cuts was supposed to do that too, and what did we get? A stock market graph you could ski down. Clearly, we need something more, something that’ll kick-start this economy while giving this country the kind of sense of purpose that we usually only get from kicking some smaller country’s posterior. Fortunately for you all, you’ve got me. And I’ve got a plan. Gather round.

We pull off a bank job.

I’m serious, we could do it. I’m thinking Switzerland, maybe one of the big banks in Geneva where they’ve got billions of dollars in gold and jewels in those huge underground vaults. We just case the joint, work out a plan, and then go all "Ocean’s 11" on their asses. We could even make it look like Iran did it; you know, put a bumper sticker on the getaway car that says “I (heart) Sharia” or “Honk if You Favor the Brutal Repression of Reform-Minded Moderate Muslim Clerics” or something.

After we get the cash home, it’s a pretty simple trick to get the economy rolling again: “Oh, hey, here’s 250 billion dollars in the treasury that we must’ve overlooked! Our bad. I guess we’ll just have to send everyone a 100,000 dollar tax refund…” And two weeks later we’re all buying S.U.V.’s and hiring manservants and partying like it was 1999 all over again.

Yeah, it sounds crazy – but here’s the beauty: If we got caught, what are they gonna do, try us in the International Criminal Court? Oh, you mean the international court we didn't join? Psyche!

Naturally, it'd be silly to leave the planning up to government bureaucrats. We're much better off working out the details and then selling the government on the idea. So today I'm announcing a new Fanatical Apathy mission: Project Heist. Please feel free to submit your plans below.