Fanatical Apathy

A Simple Plan

Bush's new budget projects a $307 billion deficit. Now, cynics might say that Bush has abandoned all pretense of fiscal responsibility and is following the modern Republican tradition of digging a deep hole and then mocking the Democrats who are forced to fill it in with tax money. But we don't necessarily NEED to raise taxes to fill the hole - all we need, as the administration keeps telling us, is a hyper-stimulated economy.

Of course, the tax cuts are supposed to stimulate the economy. But the last round of tax cuts was supposed to do that too, and what did we get? A stock market graph you could ski down. Clearly, we need something more, something that’ll kick-start this economy while giving this country the kind of sense of purpose that we usually only get from kicking some smaller country’s posterior. Fortunately for you all, you’ve got me. And I’ve got a plan. Gather round.

We pull off a bank job.

I’m serious, we could do it. I’m thinking Switzerland, maybe one of the big banks in Geneva where they’ve got billions of dollars in gold and jewels in those huge underground vaults. We just case the joint, work out a plan, and then go all "Ocean’s 11" on their asses. We could even make it look like Iran did it; you know, put a bumper sticker on the getaway car that says “I (heart) Sharia” or “Honk if You Favor the Brutal Repression of Reform-Minded Moderate Muslim Clerics” or something.

After we get the cash home, it’s a pretty simple trick to get the economy rolling again: “Oh, hey, here’s 250 billion dollars in the treasury that we must’ve overlooked! Our bad. I guess we’ll just have to send everyone a 100,000 dollar tax refund…” And two weeks later we’re all buying S.U.V.’s and hiring manservants and partying like it was 1999 all over again.

Yeah, it sounds crazy – but here’s the beauty: If we got caught, what are they gonna do, try us in the International Criminal Court? Oh, you mean the international court we didn't join? Psyche!

Naturally, it'd be silly to leave the planning up to government bureaucrats. We're much better off working out the details and then selling the government on the idea. So today I'm announcing a new Fanatical Apathy mission: Project Heist. Please feel free to submit your plans below.