Fanatical Apathy

Worst Case Scenario

So last night, while I pondered, weak and weary (bourbon and Chinese food do NOT mix), I started wondering...

Okay, it's the spring of 2002, and the U.S. is making serious noises about invading Iraq. And they mean it this time. If I'm Saddam Hussein, what am I gonna do?

Well, first and foremost I'd lose the moustache. And then I'd think seriously about dropping 10 or 20 pounds those jowls aren't go to fix themselves. But then I'd start taking stock of my situation:

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Check on the ol’ weapons programs… Not a lot to be proud of there. Nukes are a few years and a ton of equipment away, and even then I’d probably have to deploy ‘em via Fed Ex. There’s chemical and biological weapons, yes, but they’re kinda hazardous on the battlefield, seeing as my warheads have about the same range as the post-1980 Sinatra and any change in wind direction could turn my Republican Guard into hazardous waste. Plus the Yanks’ll have masks and what-not. Damn.

Conventional forces? I’m not an idiot (my taste in hats notwithstanding). With the might of Allah on my side, several years of preparation, and a lot of luck, my guys could probably hold out against the Americans… for about fifteen minutes or so. Provided the enemy has to stop and ask directions once or twice.

Okay, so I’m hosed. But wait: Isn’t there one thing I could do… one devious little thing… that might turn it all around for me? Ye-e-e-essssss…..

It just might work. Why, it would cost the Americans billions of dollars. There would be death and destruction. There would be worldwide anti-American outrage that’d surpass anything we’ve ever seen. And, if I manage to survive, when it was all over I would be a hero. I’d be restored to power by worldwide consensus and have all those sanctions lifted instantaneously. Yes, it could work!

And all I’d have to do is quietly dismantle and dispose of all of my weapons of mass destruction.

Is there time to do that before the Americans invade? A little. A little more, perhaps, if I let the inspectors in…

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But that probably never occurred to him. I mean, a move like could only be made by an extraordinarily Machiavellian madman, a risk-taker who was completely willing to sacrifice his own people in order to achieve his nefarious end… Oh.

Posted by Adam Felber at January 28, 2003 03:37 PM