Fanatical Apathy

The State of the Union Drinking Game! (2003 Edition)

One year ago, when this site was still toddling around in knee-pants, I unveiled
The State of the Union Drinking Game! (2002 Edition). It was a runaway, smash-hit, blockbuster success for this site and the thirty people who were reading it at the time. Its appeal, like any good drinking game, was that it was cleverly designed to get a group of people very, very drunk in a way that seems slightly more elegant than someone yelling "Hey, let's all drink too much right NOW!"

Updating the game for this year was a bit depressing, because there's so little that truly needs updating. The economy is still slogging through mud, the pervasive stink of corporate collusion and corruption is still being sidestepped by the denizens of the White House and politely ignored by most of the press, and we are still fighting the evil-doers in the Middle East (yes, as a very wise man once crooned, the "names have all changed since you've come around/ But those dreams still remain, and they turn around...").

So the amendations to the Drinking Game are largely cosmetic, reflecting rhetorical shifts in Bush's patter more than any real change or progress. But it's still a civic duty to watch the Address, and this is still the best way to do so while avoiding fits of rage and despair. So choose your poison, gather round the telly, and play....

The State of the Union Drinking Game! (2003 Edition)

This year's address will be divided into two parts: "The War On and Around Terrorism" and "The Economy, Stupid." The rules vary depending on the subject Bush is tackling, so pay attention:

1) The War: Whenever the President says "evil," everyone must raise their glass and take a drink. It's good form to make a brief toast of sorts, something like "Down with evil!" or "Evil is bad!" "Evil" should be pronounced with a soft "i" ["Evihl"].

Whenever the President utters the phrase "weapons of mass destruction," everyone drinks. Before downing the drink, however, everyone must affect a cartoony Evil Arab voice and say things like "Quick, hide the weapons!" and "They'll never find 'em here!"

If the President says "inspectors," think fast! The first person to say "That's me!" becomes "the Blix." The Blix then points out anyone else in the game ("the Saddam"), who must then prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he/she is not hiding a nuclear warhead somewhere within a twenty mile radius. At any point (preferably after a few seconds) anyone can yell "time's up!" at which point the Saddam is obliged to finish whatever's left of his or her drink. It's good form for the Saddam to mutter something like "And I would've gotten away with it, too..." before drinking.

2) The Economy: Whenever the President says "tax cuts" or "cut taxes," everyone must raise their glasses and exclaim "Tax this!" Each person is then expected to consume whatever they think is a fair percentage of their drink.

During the Domestic portion of the speech, keep your eyes peeled. At any time, anyone can choose to silently extend their hand forward, palm up, to receive a Corporate Handout (though it's good form to wait until the President mentions some sort of economic incentive). When you see someone do this, you must do so as well (thus becoming one of "The Rich"). The last person to extend their hand becomes "The Bottom 90%" and must drink, while everyone else yells things like "Who let him in?!" and "Get a job!" and "You'd be pulling your own weight if you didn't drink so much!"

Special note: If, after the speech, a pollster calls your house, immediately hand the phone to the soberest person in the room. That person should say nothing but extremely positive things about George W. Bush. Research indicates that anything less than a 10 point bump in the President's approval rating will result in immediate war. Remember, the Fate of the Union is in your hands.

Posted by Adam Felber at January 27, 2003 02:01 PM