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July, 2002
Wednesday, July 31, 2002 To the Stars, Dammit! Why didn't I know about this? The first three-person team to go into space and back twice in a two week period wins TEN MILLION DOLLARS!! Okay, so we're a little late gettin' started. But we can do it! I'll be screening volunteers right here at this site, so sign up soon. If you're in reasonably good shape, have some ideas for getting us there, and don't mind winning TEN MILLION DOLLARS, you might just be right for Team Apathy! Math and science skills a plus. Geez, TEN MILLION DOLLARS! That's four million apiece! And how hard could it be? We walked on the moon with computer equipment less sophisticated than a Palm Pilot. And the moon is, like, 20 billion times farther away than space. The Canadian team says they've already tested a rocket, but don't worry - we might not even use rockets. We'll use good ol' American know-how. Think outside the box. Reward excellence. And then we'll be TEN MILLION DOLLARS richer! So apply now, join the Team, and WIN! -Commander Adam Felber, Project Space Force (cool name, huh? :-) ) posted by Adam Felber at 12:44 PM
Tuesday, July 30, 2002 Corporate Reform Bill Passes; Fanatical Apathy Names Official Congressman The Accounting Industry Reform Act was signed into law today. Although cynics might accuse the President of shooting the horse he rode in on, the bill seems pretty comprehensive and well-intentioned. Yes, dear readers, I've read it (well, skimmed it, anyway). You can too. The final vote on the bill was a landslide; it passed by 99-0 in the Senate and 423-3 in the House. As F.A. fans might've guessed, I immediately wanted to know who the "3" were. One is Representative Mac Collins, a Republican from Georgia. His motivations are fairly clear - he claims the bill "goes too far" and would "criminalize risk" (hey, crime is risky). Shockingly, there also might be some grandstanding here; his press release concerning the bill opens with "Congressman Mac Collins stunned observers by opposing.." When told of this, several stunned congressional observers replied, "Who?" Another dissenter was Arizona Republican Jeff Flake. Flake's one of those one-issue first-termers (ah, youth!), and his issue is government spending. He's been the lone dissenter quite a bit in his first 18 months of service, as he votes against any non-military spending whatsoever (and he's not into that namby-pamby pseudo-military stuff, either; Flake voted against the Homeland Security Act). Since no other congressmen favored giving the the new anti-fraud task force "big boots and cool guns," Flake once again said "Nay." But the contrarian that really caught my eye was gyneclogist-turned -Congressman Ron Paul, a Texas Republican. You might remember Paul from when this site singled him out on May 23rd, when he was the only congressional opponent of the Bioterror Bill. Since we last checked in, Paul has continued his quest to do away with taxes altogether and continues to vote with this eventuality in mind. Though he has solely sponsored many a bill and amendment, only a single one of 'em has passed in this session (a provision not to waste our money on that trashy International Criminal Court). For being the ultimate outsider, for sticking to his guns even when they prove to be loaded with little flags that say "Bang!", for not allowing niggling concerns like September 11th and Enron to interfere with his agenda, Fanatical Apathy proudly names Ron Paul our Official Congressman.
Watch this space for the congressman's acceptance speech. posted by Adam Felber at 1:08 PM
Monday, July 29, 2002 A new report indicates that Boeing is seriously attempting to conquer gravity. Is it really so implausible? After all, our own White House has already vanquished gravitas. And there's a rich tradition of so-called crackpot scientists who've had the last laugh. Think of Edison's flameless candle, Ford's horseless carraige, and Zubetsky's noiseless stereo (okay, that last one might not be a great example...). Fanatical Apathy, as always, has an eye towards the future. While some might be content to to marvel at anti-gravity's implications for the aviation industry, we're already considering the important other uses for anti - gravity technology. First off, expect to see the end of shortness as we know it as affordable personal hover devices become the great equalizer. Business meetings will probably need to implement a standard 7-foot eye-level, lest gravity-less power brokers concuss themselves whilst striving to get that one extra inch of advantage. The first major anti-gravity industry will no doubt be body enhancements: Say goodbye to painful, scarring plastic surgery. Say goodbye to brassieres, for that matter. And say hello, eventually, to the amazing growth-industry of unreal estate. When one can lay the foundation of one's home thirty feet off the ground, "keeping up with the Joneses" takes on a more literal meaning, as does "finding your corner of the sky." Expect the government to give away low-level airspace to giant media corporations in return for.... well, nothing, really.
posted by Adam Felber at 2:02 PM
Saturday, July 27, 2002 Blogathon Ends; Clean-up Could Take Months I'm very reluctant to say this, but I wasn't a fan of the Blogathon. I'm reluctant because one should never bite the hand that one is currently wearing. And I'm reluctant because anything that's done "for charity" is generally unimpeachable, even theft (Robin Hood), assault ("Celebrity Boxing"), and murder ("Bruno Mastrioni's 'Rub-Out Diabetes' All-Night Hit-athon"). But the Blogathon, which ended mere hours ago, seemed uniquely geared towards validating the most damning criticism of this new medium. It demanded that its participants post more and edit less. Twenty-four hours of typing. This is like sponsoring a group of morbidly obese individuals to Eat Cheese Fries For Cancer - it ain't hard to convince 'em to do it, but you really don't want to have to look at the aftermath. I realize that the coin o' the realm in Blogtopia is the almighty Link, and that this particular rant might cost me a few of those. But still, here's an idea that might save us all: EditFest 2002. Visit some of the pages of the Blogathon participants. Find one that seems particularly bloated and unapproachable. Then offer the writer a matching donation to their Blogathon charity if they'd only go back and correct their spelling, fix their grammar, and delete anything that seems dull, redundant, or self-indulgent. I will post the names of the bloggers, their sponsors, and the amount of the donation right here on Fanatical Apathy. Let the editing begin!
posted by Adam Felber at 11:01 PM
Friday, July 26, 2002 "If a border patrol agent is found to be intoxicated, and
lets a potential terrorist into the country, he or she cannot be fired without
a written 30-day notice."
From the Diary of Hank Pilchard, Drunken Border Patrol Agent April 15, 2003 Had some extra brewskis at lunch today. Not that it mattered,
not that anything important EVER comes through Terminal B. Jee-sus! Smitty
won't transfer me - 'specially after he smelled my breath today. Whatta waste. ---------------------------------------------------------- "Al what?" Smitty wanted ta know. "I dunno," I tell him, but
then it hits me - "Albert.... Dhah. Middle name was Kristmas," which is
why it stood out even tho' I was shitfaced and all. "Yep, definitely," I
told him, "Al K. Dhah." 'Course, when I say it that way, I realized
somethin' funny about it... I might be in trouble here. --------------------------------------------------------- Jee-sus! I got in today to find a pink slip in the ol' mailbox!
Over one lousy screwup? What's with them? Bastards. Well, I got thirty days left. An' lucky for me Smitty still
says I get to work the gate! Alone! Dunno why he'd put a disgruntled drunk
with a pink slip in an ultra-high security position, but that's HIS problem.
And I got a plan - Gonna set up a beach chair, throw back a few brewskis, and
start my own new Terminal B policy - anyone with a tan gets in free, no
questions asked. That'll show those bastards, that'll show them all. posted by Adam Felber at 12:45 PM
Wednesday, July 24, 2002 Memo To: President Jiang Zemin, China Dear Mr. Zemin, Thanks for contacting us regarding your
efforts to rebrand the Falun Gong sect as a terrorist organization.
Though Cooper has traditionally provided marketing consulting services
to more "conventional" firms (such as TastySnax™ Snackfood Inc., and Perky
Pet™ Enterprises, to name two), we're always looking for new challenges,
and after some preliminary market research we have a few suggestions that
may be helpful. First off, we at Cooper agree with your analysis that terrorism
is "hot" now in the global marketplace. One Baltimore focus group identified
"global terrorism" as the #3 consumer concern after "resale value" and "great
taste," so you're definitely onto something. We also concur that the market
is not yet saturated; specific brand-name recognition did not extend significantly
beyond "Al Qaeda" (84%) and "Islamic Jihad" (61%). We've identified some of the challenges (we prefer not to
use the word "problems") concerning your product. First and foremost, we
strongly advise that you redesign Falun Gong's "look and feel." (See Fig.
1) In survey after survey, we found that consumers respond with fear primarily
to the following (in order of most frightening to least frightening): "Conspicuously
off-course airplanes," "guns," "angry men with facial hair," "cancer-causing
agents," "angry men without facial hair," "high-cholesterol foods," "turbans,"
and "dreams about accidentally attending school naked." The image challenge
that you face is that "elderly women and young children in bright yellow
sweatshirts" had an extremely low fear rating (2%, margin of error ±4%).
Your second-tier challenge has been identified as the stated
goals of Falun Gong. We realize that you do not have direct control over
this (please, we ask that you do not take offense at this statement again,
we are using "control" in its marketing sense, as in "the ability to alter
and move product"). But the F.G. slogan "Compassion, Truthfulness, and Tolerance"
scores very low as far as terrifying consumers, significantly below the leaders
("Destroy the West," "Death to the Infidels," and "Where Do You Want to Go
Today?"). Also, "silent meditation" completely failed to register on our
Threatening Activity survey (0% ±4). Preliminary recommendations: You've got a name, a brand, and
at least one fairly frightening terrorist act. What you need now is image
implementation. In the short term we recommend a younger, "hipper" public
face, preferably male and wearing more muted colors. Though it might prove
expensive, some product placement within a high-budget action movie is strongly
recommended (we could help arrange this). We're confident that in time we can help you make Falun Gong
a household name in terror. Thanks again for choosing Cooper, and we look
forward to hearing from you soon. Yours, B. Millman, V.P. posted by Adam Felber at 12:17 PM
Tuesday, July 23, 2002 Dept. of Future Transcripts At some point the plaintiffs in this
case are going to be asked some of the tough questions... INT. NORTH CAROLINA COURTROOM - DAY Defense Attorney: Now, Mr. Doe, how exactly
does being told to read a book interfere with your right to religious freedom? John Doe #1: What? Um...because...
it's... against my religion to read. Defense Attorney: It is? John Doe #1: Uh, yes. Yes it
is. Definitely. [John Doe #2 snickers. Doe #1 elbows him
in the ribs.] Defense Attorney: And how about you,
Mr. Doe #2? How did the university's assignment interfere with your religious
freedom? John Doe #2: Well, y'know...
I............ Defense Attorney: We can't hear you,
Mr. Doe. John Doe #2: Because I'm weak,
dammit, weak! Praise Allah! Praise Allah! [The jury gasps. John Does #1 and #2 exchange
a quick high-five. The Defense Attorney sighs.] Defense Attorney: And you, Ms. Roe? Jane Roe (reciting): Because I find the
material offensive. John Doe #1(whispered): Score! Defense Attorney: Offensive? Jane Roe: Yes, I was offended
by the book. Defense Attorney: You were offended
by the book that you didn't read? [pause] Jane Roe: Yes. Yes I was. Defense Attorney: In what way? Jane Roe: Can I go now? Defense Attorney: In what way were you
offended by the book that you didn't read? Jane Roe: ..... Defense Attorney: What was that? Jane Roe: The...cover? Defense Attorney: The cover. The cover
was offensive to you. Jane Roe: Why can't you Muslims
leave us alone!!?? I'm just trying to lead my life as a normal American girl!
Wasn't September 11th enough? That's what terrorists do - blow up buildings
and then make you read books! Oh god.... [She breaks down sobbing. The jury glares
at the defense attorney accusingly.] Defense Attorney (to the jury, lamely):
I'm a Presbyterian... posted by Adam Felber at 6:53 PM The Art of Popetry
At some point, no matter how sharp one's intelligence remains,
thoughts of retirement should start to crop up. For John Paul II, that time
is 1998. And yet the Pope's still out there, spreadin' the word while making
saints hand over fist. By the end of the current dodderabout,
John Paul II's Saintapalooza™ will total a staggering 461. That's
more minty-fresh saints than were created by all the other popes combined. Given, the guy still has a lot to say. And if he wants to
make enough saints to stock a fairly large fantasy baseball league, well,
that's his prerogative. But when you're the living symbol of a major world
religion, you shouldn't be causing people to question their definition of
"living."
I suppose there's some value right now in having an extraordinarily
non-threatening pontiff (il Papa hasn't had a brand new bag in quite some
time), but still... posted by Adam Felber at 3:41 PM
Monday, July 22, 2002 "I'm not a stock broker or a stock picker. But I do believe
that the fundamentals for economic growth are real...and from what I hear,
corporate profits are improving." "Any lack of confidence in the economic future or the basic
strengths of business in the United States is foolish. Our national capacity
for hard work and intelligent cooperation is ample guaranty of the future."
I'm not the first to draw the above comparison. Nor, barring
a surprise visit from the Magical Money Fairy, will I be the last.. But I
put the two rhetorically identical quotations up there for one terrifying
reason: Hoover was way more reassuring. At least Hoover didn't waste his time making sure that each
and every sentence he uttered provided some safe distance between himself
and the world of business. Fear of scandal has caused Bush to cravenly
renounce his one possible qualification to lead us through the crisis. At
exactly the moment when our President should be soothing us with the assurance
that he is, in fact, a businessman and he might have some clue as to how to
help us out, he's throwing on overalls, leaning against a fence, and drawling,
"Wull, I never had much know-how with all that them there 'high finance' gimcrackery,
nope. But the word in the street's that ever'thing's gonna be jes' fine." Annoying? Welcome to the Grate Depression. Where we once
had people falling from buildings, we now have buildings falling from people.
Otherwise, it's gonna be more or less familiar territory. I hear over at
amazon.com you can get apples for 5¢ apiece. posted by Adam Felber at 12:14 PM
Sunday, July 21, 2002 Where are today's folk singers? [A scruffy young man detunes his guitar and strides forward,
strumming in a turgid 6/8 tempo and singing nasally...] "Hearken good people to tales
of Harken: Be certain you'll hear more of dark Halliburton, And what then of Enron? And what then of Andersen?
Uh, on second thought, maybe that particular revival oughta
wait for a less prosaic era... posted by Adam Felber at 12:45 PM
Friday, July 19, 2002 Kitsch 101 "It's not supposed to be funny. It just is." That, believe it or don't, is the current slogan of the forthcoming
trainwreck "The Anna Nicole
Show," brought to us by the fine folks at E!, the self-punctuating home
of all things celebrity- and breast-related. Anna quite naturally fits E!'s
requirements in both categories (or rather fits one and fairly bursts out
of the other), but what really caught my attention was the above promo line.
I suppose a network whose viewership demands fair and balanced
reporting about boy bands and supermodels might find it somewhat necessary
to provide training wheels for those new to irony. But still, that bare-bones,
vaguely cruel, and loopily self-contradictory approach to sloganeering is
breathtaking. Me, I'd've gone with "Imagine 'The Osbournes' with boobies
large enough to exert a discernible gravitational field!" Or, if its "appeal"
absolutely must be overexplained, "Man, that's one freaky dumb
rich bimbo - but don't tell her we said so!" But then that's probably why E! never calls. posted by Adam Felber at 1:08 AM
Thursday, July 18, 2002 Leading the Recovery, Fanatical Apathy Store Expands! "All
the evidence that we have been able to accumulate in recent weeks suggests
that the economy is improving. It's pretty much in line with our expectations."
From the beginning, we knew what Allan Greenspan was referring to last Tuesday;
the long-awaited expansion of the Fanatical Apathy
Online Store. Though we were slightly piqued at Greenspan's rather unsubtle
reference to our plans (he really ought to have left the announcement to us),
we can understand his excitement; this is exactly the jumpstart our economy
needed. So drop on by while supplies last. Every FA product features
the lovable, cuddly Fanny, the remote-controlled semi-cybernetic rescue rat.
We've already sold at least one of the majority of our older (or "Classic")
items, and our new line, which includes a Fanatical Apathy golf shirt and
a poster, are sure to move like robotic-rat-emblazoned hotcakes. So drop by now. For your enjoyment, for great values, for
America. posted by Adam Felber at 3:31 PM
Wednesday, July 17, 2002 "The president knows that young people are paying in their
Social Security taxes that ... they will not get back in the form of Social
Security checks." - Ari Fleischer, on President Bush's Social Security plan posted by Adam Felber at 12:13 PM
Tuesday, July 16, 2002 FA Hollywood Insider: Pitching Hitler Producer Ed Gernon has his hands full with a four
hour miniseries about Hitler to shoot. But we entertainment insiders
know that the real work comes not when the cameras start rolling but
now, in pre-production. Casting: Obviously, Ewan McGregor’s
a first choice for Adolf himself. But this is TV. Backup choices: David
Caruso, Ed Begley Jr., John Ritter, Sarah Michele Gellar. For Eva Braun
we’re thinking Fran Drescher, who’s been shopping for a more serious role.
Also: Sarah Jessica Parker, Brandy, Sarah Michele Gellar. Other first
choices include Dennis Franz as Himmler, Kelsey Grammer as Goebbels, and
Sarah Michele Gellar as Benito Mussolini. Accents: One of the biggest choices for any Hollywood drama
involving foreigners is whether to have the characters speak ordinary English
or English with a thick accent. Conventional wisdom is that Germans on film
should generally speak with thick German accents. The only other choice for
Nazis is, ironically, English accents. The Story: Big decision - What makes Hitler turn evil? Mustard
gas in WWI? Too trippy. Nobody wants to see “Adolf in the Sky with Diamonds.”
Getting beaten up/made fun of as a boy? Possibly, especially if you add
getting scorned by some Jewish chick. Being “born evil” is a pretty strong
choice too; it opens up the whole “Omen” playbook…. posted by Adam Felber at 1:58 PM
Monday, July 15, 2002 Memo To: White House speechwriting pool Guys - That "economic
binge" speech was pure genius! Portraying today's problems as a "hangover"
from the unprecedentedly robust economy of the '90's? I could kiss you all!
Let's not stop there. How about blaming the war on a dangerous
eight-year "peace binge?" Or what about the public education crisis being
due to the irresponsible "literacy binge" of the 20th century? Americans
have an inborn belief in the lessons of Icarus, even if they don't
know who Icarus was (recent survey: 27% believe he was Roy Rogers' horse,
45% say he's "that medicine that makes you puke." No matter). Note: What with Enron et al, "profits" is now a dirty word.
Ride it, cowboys! The point is we wouldn't be in this mess if the previous
administration hadn't been so cavalierly clever, responsible, and forward-looking
with its economic policy. That's the message, but don't use those words.
Hell, why am I telling you that? You guys rock! posted by Adam Felber at 1:23 PM
Sunday, July 14, 2002 New Fraud Enforcer Brings Deep Experience to Task Force The President's newly-appointed corporate inquisitioner, it
turns out, was
a bigwig in a company that paid $400 million to setlle it's own fraud
case a couple of years ago. So at least we can be sure he knows what
a white-collar criminal looks like. *sigh* Once again, our government goes out of its way to make
us comedy writers feel redundant. This isn't even 'fish in a barrel' kind
of stuff. This is a deer that walks into your hunting lodge, makes you coffee,
cleans your gun, shaves a bullseye on its haunch, and then unfolds a tarpulin
and promptly faints upon it. posted by Adam Felber at 3:31 AM
Friday, July 12, 2002 Breaking News: Ongoing Situation Unchanged! Just in case you were tempted to spend your weekend thinking
about Dick Cheney being sued or revelations about President Bush's business
dealings - don't. You are hereby required to worry about possible terrorist
threats being tracked in Seattle, Detroit, Chicago and Atlanta.
Attorney General Ashcroft called the new lack of developments
"important, super important. Especially to those who live in the Eastern,
Central, or Western parts of the country, which is where the threats have
been identified." Asked about the timing of the announcement, Ashcroft replied,
"We held off on issuing this news until we were absolutely certain that the
situation was the same as it had been for the past couple of months." He
added, "Still, it does kinda make other bits of infighting and financial probing
seem pretty petty, doesn't it? Now's not the time for that - not when we've
got credible reports that the current stasis could turn into actual events
at some point or another." White House spokesman Ari Fleischer agreed. "We don't plan
these things," he said, "but you have to roll with it. For example, we might
want to talk about subpoenas being issued to someone in the Administration
or something, but if that happens on a day when we also receive reliable intelligence
that the Middle East is still there, well, you have to focus on the bigger
picture." posted by Adam Felber at 3:02 PM
Wednesday, July 10, 2002 Forecast: Heavy Spin Alert We can expect severe spin storms all across the country (left
to right) now that it seems that Andersen
spokesmodel Dick Cheney is going
to court. For the Left: 90% chance of smug, heavy at times. Expect
blogfires to spread rapidly, despite containment efforts. A self-righteousness
advisory is in effect. For the Right: 40% chance of protest due to Cheney's current
job conditions, but it probably won't break due to an immovable Supreme
Court decision from the Clinton era. If the protest system moves at all,
expect a severely ridiculous front that Judicial Watch is somehow less credible
than Paula Jones. 70% chance of "important War on Terror" developments as
trial date approaches. posted by Adam Felber at 2:59 PM
Tuesday, July 09, 2002 Yucca Mountain High - Good Reasons to "Go
Nuclear" - Years of experience. They're used to nuclear testing and
huge gambles. - Safe, stable storage! Yucca Mountain: Earthquake
Free Since June 14th. - Wild, fun coyote mutations that even Chuck Jones never dreamed
up! - Electoral votes: 4 out of 538. Representatives in House:
2 out of 435. Finding a politically risk-free dumping ground for 154,000,000
pounds of nuclear waste: priceless. posted by Adam Felber at 3:12 PM
Monday, July 08, 2002 The Reviews Are In! While America partied, F.A. was gathering plaudits from around
the web. We're far too modest around here to link to them all
(okay, there were two of 'em...), but this review
raises an interesting question: Is there a need for an "About Me" page? I'd naturally assumed
that most of you either (1)knew plenty, or (2)didn't really care. Was I wrong?
Is this page somehow not self-indulgent enough as it is? Let me know... posted by Adam Felber at 4:49 PM Excerpts from “The
Ted Williams Project Diaries”
--------------------- April 7, 2008 --------------------- May 17, 2011 --------------------- October 2, 2017 --------------------- June 17, 2020 --------------------- March 5, 2025 Ted 3 sent me a letter offering to freeze
my remains when I die so that he can "clone a team of nine desperate and sad
ancestor-worshipping would-be Svengalis." I found this hurtful, to say the
least. --------------------- September 22, 2026 posted by Adam Felber at 3:18 PM
Sunday, July 07, 2002 Anyone who watched CNN on Thursday may have noticed a snazzy
graphic on every screen. It read "Day of Independence™." It's an odd transposition
of our holiday's name - "Independence Day" makes sense as a celebration, "Day
of Independence™" seems to imply that we only get one of 'em (come to think
of it, perhaps this is appropriate for these times). But no one can deny
that CNN owned the new name. It's been a decade since the news networks started branding
events, trying to get their trademarks on history. We're used to it. But
"Day of Independence™" is a quantum leap forward; we're now pre-branding
days just in case something dire happens. The threat of terrorist attacks
on the 4th was apparently too severe for CNN to risk going into it without
a trademark. Well, F.A. is ready for the future. We've got our think tank
working overtime, identifying threats and coming up with unique and catchy
names for 'em. Here's a preview: July 14 - "Bastille Day Bombshell™" This is a no-brainer.
France is vulnerable, and terrorists are well-aware that it's the last really
significant celebration of democracy this summer. So if something should
(god forbid) happen, we've got T-shirts and coffee mugs ready to go. August 1-31 - "The Dog Days of War™" Why not? We can
use this one all month, and there's bound to be some military action
(regrettably, and heaven forfend). In the unfortunate event that something
does happen, Fanatical Apathy will be ready with a pre-printed Commemorative
Issue and some inspiring "Dog Days of War™" action figures for the kiddies.
September 1 - "Massacre in Manitoba™" Okay, there's
no particular reason to believe that this remote Canadian province is in jeopardy,
nor is there anything significant about the date. But it's worth a shot,
just in case someone (unfortunately, god forbid, yadda yadda yadda....) gets
angry enough at Manitoba or gets lost on their way to somewhere else. Ya
gotta be in it to win it™, after all. posted by Adam Felber at 4:11 PM
Friday, July 05, 2002 Alternative Iraq Invasion Plans (from Brainstorming Session
#225a) "Right now, we're at the stage of conceptual
thinking and brainstorming," a senior
defense official told the Times. Submitted by C. Rice: Operation Made Ya Look – Constantly
release “credible” information about our “invasion plans.” Allow resulting
psychological terror to weaken Iraqi forces. Note: Six months along, Operation
Made Ya Look shows few signs of working. Should we add more firepower to
hypothetical forces? Submitted by J. Ashcroft: Operation Crackdown – Systematically
suspend or supercede constitutional rights of U.S. civilians. Silence opposition,
punish disobedience, remove indecency. Note: To those that keep pointing
out that this plan doesn’t seem to involve Iraq: So? Submitted by Dick Cheney: Operation Frequent Fryer –
Deploy the massive space-based Deadly Heat Ray, instantly melting the entire
country to useless slag. Note: Space-based Deadly Heat Ray was first requested
on February 16, 2001, still “not finished.” What’s the hold up? Submitted by T. Ridge: Operation Candy Clown – We send
Saddam to the magic land of Hooby-Dooby where he’ll be imprisoned by the
Clown Queen for all eternity. Note: No one’s listening to me at all anymore,
are they? I’m fired, right? I just know it. Why won’t you just fire me
already and get it over with? Submitted by G.W. Bush: Operation Switchback – An
elite crew of Green Berets infiltrates Iraq overnight and rotates all signposts
180 degrees. Result – mass confusion, a good laugh for everyone, possible
destruction of Baghdad by its own forces. Note: If it worked at Yale, it’ll
work on foreigners. You shoulda seen ‘em! Submitted by Colin Powell: Operation Get Off Our Asses
Already – Use military to actually invade Iraq and depose Saddam. Note:
Honestly, this would work. Hello? posted by Adam Felber at 12:34 PM
Wednesday, July 03, 2002 "I will be exonerated of any ridiculousness." Really? Your honor, I'd like to enter the following as evidence...
Come on, Martha. This oughta be easy. posted by Adam Felber at 8:32 PM
Tuesday, July 02, 2002 Bush Drug Usage Documented By Press!
- President Bush, in
Wisconsin yesterday posted by Adam Felber at 2:09 PM
Monday, July 01, 2002 Watts to "Spend More Time With His Family" This cuddly cliché was actually uttered by one of J.C.
Watts' aides today when Watts
announced that he would not seek another term in the House of Representatives. Watts has five kids, and he and his wife have a lot of catching
up to do. [Governor Frank Keating (R., Oklahoma) is not seeking
re-election this year] and though he's a great politician, he never
really enjoyed politics [Candidate filing deadline is July
10th]. There's not enough respect accorded to those who seek to bow
out of public life in order to enjoy the simple pleasures of the family [really, nine days is plenty of time for a few barbecues,
multiple games of catch, and a romantic weekend getaway with the missus...].
But it is exactly this kind of simple life that our congressmen seek to
protect - why should they be denied the enjoyment of it? [Remember,
primaries are on August 27th] Let's all give J.C. Watts a hearty handshake
and wish him well in his new life as a private citizen [Vote
Watts]. posted by Adam Felber at 12:43 PM
Sunday, June 30, 2002 Truth, Justice, and Tomorrow is my birthday, Canada Day, and the birthday of the
brand new International Criminal Court. Fortunately, unlike the Clinton administration,
the
Bush administraion is not fooled by the deceptive name of the I.C.C. Joining us in our abstention from this dangerous sham are long-time
human rights activist nations Russia and China. The three of us know better
than to let a bunch of amateurs get us caught up in some kind of 'tomato/
tomahto' quibbling over so-called 'genocides' or 'war crimes' or 'atrocities.' "No way we're gonna send our boys off to The Hague to get yelled
at by a bunch of nit-pickers," said President Bush today from a brightly painted
merry-go-round in Arlington, VA. "Besides, what kind of a city starts with
a 'The?' That's weird, isn't it? I mean, what if I were to say I'm visiting
The Houston on my way back to The Washington? That'd be pretty weird. Or
like what if I said I had to meet someone in The Seattle, or..." "What the President meant," said White House spokesman Ari
'What the President Meant' Fleischer, "is that one man's atrocity is another
man's colorful tradition. If we join, we may never again get to test chemicals
on our own soldiers, and our ability to accidentally raze entire villages
would be severely impaired. And the Chinese holiday of Qi-Falun-Ip-Ning ("Beat
a Falun Gong Member Senseless And Win Valuable Prizes Day") would be a thing
of the past. We have no intention of letting any of that happen." posted by Adam Felber at 1:40 PM
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