January, '02
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The above is pretty much where our foreign policy stands right now, thanks to our evolving approach. This country started as a naive and mannerless little land, grew to become a sophisticated world power playing a complex game of geopolitical chess... and now we've come around to taking this approach. When the last book is finally written about US foreign policy, the best title might be "Diplomacy for Algernon."
The State of the Union Drinking Game! (2002 Edition)
Does your job require you to watch State of the Union addresses? Or are you among those nearly five dozen Americans who feel it's their civic duty to tune in? Fret not, patriot! The State of the Union Drinking Game is here.
This year's address will be divided into two parts: "The War on and around Terrorism" and "The Economy, Stupid." [Actually, Bush's people are separating Domestic Security from the rest of the war, but for our purposes, it's one category.] The rules vary depending on the subject Bush is tackling, so Pay Attention:
1) The War: Whenever the President says "evil," everyone must raise their glass and take a drink. It's good form to make a brief toast of sorts, something like "Down with evil!" or "Evil is bad!" "Evil" should be pronounced with a soft "i" ["Evihl"].
If the President says "evil-doers," think fast! The first person to say "There he is!" [or "There she is!"] becomes the Freedom Warrior. The Freedom Warrior then points out anyone else in the game, who is obliged to finish whatever's left of their drink. It's good form for the "evil doer" to mutter something like "And I would've gotten away with it, too..." before they drink.
2) The Economy: Whenever the President says "tax cuts" or "cut taxes," everyone must raise their glasses and exclaim "Tax this!" Each person is then expected to consume whatever they think is a fair percentage of their drink.
Once the Domestic portion of the speech ensues, watch the clock. Every time five minutes goes by without a mention of the Enron scandal (you know, the one that's dominated our nation's news for the past month...), anyone can choose to holler "Stonewall!" When this is heard, everyone covers their mouths with their hand. The last person to "stonewall" must finish their drink, and the timer is reset.
Enjoy!
Monday, January 28, 2002
1) Yes, we are at war with the Al Qaida. Bush: "They had declared war on us... I made up my mind... we were going to war."
2) Captured opponents in the "war," however, are not "prisoners of war."
It's true that the above doesn't seem to violate the Geneva Convention, despite the clear violation of linguistic hygiene.
Let's review: Vietnam, though not a "war," did involve prisoners of war. The War on Drugs is clearly not a war, so there'll be no POW's. To be a prisoner of Gwar one needs to violate campy arena rock conventions. A convention in Geneva may or may not involve prisoners, depending on who's holding it. There is no Geneva Convention for prisoners of love, even though love is a battlefield. War is hell, but Satan is not obliged to abide by the Geneva convention as far as I can tell.
Okay?
posted by Adam Felber at 12:58 PM
Comments [2]
Saturday, January 26, 2002
I just re-read my earlier post and found it to be in astoundingly poor taste. My apologies to the more sensitive of surfers. For some reason, it seemed funny this morning. Perhaps it will again later...
Still, comedy = tragedy + time. So we'll wait. Interestingly, the equation also works out to: comedy - tragedy = time. Logicians will note that this also implies that comedy - tragedy = money, which explains the success of many a bad sitcom.
posted by Adam Felber at 6:15 PM
Comments [6]
"Police did not disclose the contents of the suicide note found with Baxter."
Dear Cruel World;
Hi. I'm killing myself. Please be advised that I'm doing this because I'm extremely unhappy because of personal matters. I am NOT doing this because of anything to do with Enron. No, no, no. And don't get the idea that I was rubbed out or anything, because I wasn't. That's ridiculous. In fact, it makes me laugh. Ha ha ha.
Nope, this is just me, Cliff Baxter. Making a personal decision. Please don't bother analyzing the handwriting of this letter - my handwriting has changed in recent months. But it's me, Cliff Baxter, writing this. I promise.
As far as Enron is concerned, all that bad stuff that was done was my fault. It was me, Cliff Baxter. So you can all stop persecuting good people like Ken Lay and the Board of Directors. Because it was all me, Cliff Baxter. And now I'm gone, in a manner that was definitely, and I mean DEFINITELY, a suicide. Case closed. Okay?
Love,
Cliff Baxter
(really!)
posted by Adam Felber at 12:37 PM
Comments [1]
Friday, January 25, 2002
F.A. Contest #1!
As you all probably know, the American public is fundamentally incapable of keeping more than one news story in mind at a time. Within a certain news story our attention span is nearly infinite (the multifaceted Clinton scandal, the OJ trial, etc.), but once a new story pops up, the old ones just kind of fade from our minds...
Unfortunately for us all, there are TWO major stories developing now that require our attention. And it's up to YOU, gentle readers, to fix the situation.
Here's what you need to do: Make it all one big story. Find a connection between the "War on Terrorism" and "Enrongate." This shouldn't be too hard. The nature of the connection is up to you; whether well-researched or simply a baldfaced lie, it need only be semi-plausible and entertaining.
Submut via email or Comments. Winners will receive the eternal gratitude of western civilization and a special prize from Fanatical Apathy.
posted by Adam Felber at 3:20 PM
Comments [3]
Thursday, January 24, 2002
At the margins of the Enron scandal there's a pretty chilling story about Enron financing beatings and wrongful imprisonments in India. This story is going to STAY at the margins: in the current climate, shredded documents and insider trading is fuel for scandal; human rights abuses are the kind of thing only hippies and foreigners whine about.
posted by Adam Felber at 12:23 PM
Comments [4]
Wednesday, January 23, 2002
A quick survey:
#1) Do you prefer "The Fellowship of the Ring," boxer shorts, or crab almondine?
Please answer the above question honestly (by clicking on the "Comments" link below). I'm just trying to get to know my readership so that F.A. can better serve its growing community.
posted by Adam Felber at 2:18 AM
Comments [11]
Monday, January 21, 2002
Washington, Monday (FA wire) - Federal investigators are close to determining the exact strain and origin of the anthrax involved in the terror attacks. Other strains of the fatal disease are breathing a sigh of relief at finally having their names cleared of guilt and suspicion. "It's a great weight off our shoulders," said a member of another anthrax strain, who spoke on condition of anonymity, "For the past three months my entire family has been living under a siege mentality - no one would believe that we were just honest deadly contagions trying to get by. Now, hopefully, we can get on with our lives."
Other prominent bacteria are calling for a full accounting of the treatment that various strains of anthrax received during the investigation, which a well-known form of hepatitis-B has described as a "witch hunt."
posted by Adam Felber at 11:25 PM
Comments [2]
Sunday, January 20, 2002
Your intrepid correspondent is in the wilderness near Poughkeepsie, NY. IÕve written another play for the 52nd Street Project, which remains one of the most wonderful institutions on the planet. WeÕll spend the weekend rehearsing, playing, and getting a couple feet of snow dumped on us.
So the Chinese found twenty-seven high-tech listening devices on the plane we built for their president. If I were a bettinÕ man, IÕd lay odds that this means they found about half of Ôem. Not to mentions all the hidden cameras too, which IÕm pretty happy about. If thereÕs one thing the internet needs more of, itÕs ÒUncensored Voyeur Cams Featuring Hot, Sexy Octogenarian Chinese Dignitaries.Ó
posted by Adam Felber at 9:55 AM
Comments [3]
Friday, January 18, 2002
I just received this letter:
Dear Adam;
I'm not dead. Everyone's saying I'm dead, but they are wrong because I'm not. Not really. At least, I don't think so.
Please tell people, because your widely-read blog is the best way I know to get the word out (I had a dispute with Al-Jazeera; they wanted me to do a few more video tapes, while I feel that I'm ready for a one-hour "dramedy," kind of like "Ally McBeal" but with explosions, you know?). So please tell everyone, would you? Me. Not dead.
Looking forward to killing you sometime soon.
Your pal,
Osama
PS - Oh, wait, I AM dead. Kidney failure. My mistake. Nevermind.
Odd, no?
posted by Adam Felber at 2:22 PM
Comments [5]
Thursday, January 17, 2002
Egad.
Other KKK titles avaiable at your local Blockbuster:
"A Very KK Kristmas" (1987)
"The Littlest Klansman" (1993, for ages 3-7)
"America's Funniest Lynchings" (1997)
"Klan Komedy Roasts! Honoring Grand Wizard Titus Walker" (1978)
"Hoodwinked! Episodes 1-6" (1995, independently-produced sitcom)
"KKKounseling for Klan Wives: Ep.3, 'Impotence: Why It's Your Fault'" (1999)
"Battle of the Hate Group Network Stars" (1982, parental discretion advised)
posted by Adam Felber at 1:48 PM
Comments [3]
Wednesday, January 16, 2002
Scientists have developed a mouse that feels no pain. Surprisingly, this was done with genetics and not by the traditional method of giving it to emotionally abusive mouse foster parents.
This weekend will feature the return of the Irwin Smalls Trio. Those of you who are not in New York still have time to make travel arrangements.
posted by Adam Felber at 1:00 PM
Comments [10]
Tuesday, January 15, 2002
Ah, Enron 'n' Friends! Here's a tip for would-be ethical businessmen: When you find yourself saying things like, "The S.E.C.'s looking into us! Quick, destroy thousands of paper documents and emails..." you may quite possibly have strayed from the path a bit.
posted by Adam Felber at 4:28 PM
Comments [7]
By overwhelming popular demand (someone asked), I'm installing a Comments System! Yes, it appears that the Fanatical Apathy community is growing by the hour and will soon involve at least two people! Please try to throw a comment or two into the mix - I'm not even sure the durn thing works yet.
posted by Adam Felber at 1:33 PM
Comments [9]
Monday, January 14, 2002
It's not clear to me what The Mothman actually does, but apparently he has the power to tell you if you're holding ChapStick. This doesn't seem to be the most daunting of superpowers, does it? Were I the Mothman, I probably wouldn't waste too much time sitting by the phone waiting for the Legion of Doom to call.
President Bush's pretzel incident is not only further evidence of the vast conspiracy to eliminate the need for comedy writers, it also sounds like - how to put this delicately - a bald-faced lie. My sister's theory is that Bush's vaunted sobriety may be a bit, um, exaggerated. Still, it does seem like Bushes continue to have problems keeping their food down once they become President.
posted by Adam Felber at 11:27 PM
Comments [5]
Sunday, January 13, 2002
The mail-order anthrax, it turns out, was probably a piece of domestic terrorism (perhaps it was some sort of Plague-of-the-Month-Club scheme gone horribly awry).
Does anyone happen to know where Mr. Blackwell was at the time the letters were mailed? I don't think he'd resort to sending something white after Labor Day, but still...
Seriously, it does make sense when you think about it: the fact that the primary targets seem to have been the news media and Democratic senators seems to speak of a distinctly American (distinctly caucasian, even) sort of grievance.
This does, however, punch a few holes in my Universal Seasonal Terrorist Theory, which basically breaks down to "Spring for domestic, fall for foreign." This was admittedly a pretty stupid theory, though it'd been holding up pretty well...
posted by Adam Felber at 8:03 PM
Comments [3]
Friday, January 11, 2002
Friday, January 11, 2002
Recently heard in liberal think-tanks all across the country:
"'Enron-gate?'"
"No, too soft...uh, 'Oilgate?'"
"Nah...'Donorgate?'"
"I like the sound, but it's too non-specific... 'George and Uncle Dick's Big Oil Adventure?'"
"C'mon, now, be serious. How 'bout 'Wetoldyousogate?'"
"Too smug - we don't want to seem like we're enjoying this. Come on people, think..."
6:47 PM
Thursday, January 10, 2002
I think my virus has finally left for good. Thank the lord. I mean this virus was BAD:
I watched it go from the window of my apartment. As it hit the street, I saw Ebola and HIV walking down the street in the other direction. And I distinctly heard Ebola say to HIV, "Just keep your head down and don't say anything. This guy is crazy." So you know it had to be a pretty bad virus.
2:53 PM
A new poll indicates tha most Americans want bin Laden captured. Further key results show that most Americans want a cure for cancer, fair wages, and would prefer not to die if at all possible. [Source: Rhetorical Surveys Inc.]
One might have thought that pointless "best-of" lists would disappear for awhile now that 2000 has come and gone. Apparently not. Is there anyone out there who might actually see such a list and exclaim, "No way! Bob Marley's WAY better than Led Zeppelin!" [I fear I might know the answer to that question...]
For this and all such lists, I see no reason not to blame Mr. Blackwell.
1:59 PM
Wednesday, January 09, 2002
Mr. Blackwell's list is out. I can't decide why his annual offering - neither funny, accurate, nor entertaining - always gets attention. He must fulfil some sort of deep need we have within us as a culture, which is a genuinely terrifying thought.
I have just endured a stomach virus so horrible that I actually thought for a while that it might be ebola. A couple of hours later I was hoping it was ebola. As it turned out, it was not ebola. Now that I have regained the desire to live, I see that this is a good thing.
5:45 PM
Monday, January 07, 2002
My slow schedule is now thing of the past (circa December 20 - January 5th. RIP). New highlights include The Next Big Broadway Musical, the Mock, and the return of the Irwin Smalls Trio(better info will be posted there soon). It should be noted that one can indeed go broke succeeding on this particular level.
Hey, deficit spending is back! No word yet on how much we're going to be overspending, but my first guess would be "less than $1.35 trillion."
5:50 PM
Saturday, January 05, 2002
Just saw the headline on last week's print edition of the Weekly World News. It read "Clinton Hires Three-Breasted Intern." There was a ludicrously doctored photo of our ex-president with a trimammaried nymphet. This was a work of pure genius.
In other news, Mullah Omar has apparently fled his stronghold, escaping on a motorbike. Why, oh why is there no video of this? Or at least a photograph? Or even an artist’s conception, a crude sketch, maybe? If we let opportunities like this pass us by then they have truly won.
4:52 PM
Friday, January 04, 2002
I just had my first post-holiday workout. I was "sweatin' gravy," as they say. Okay, maybe they don't say that. But they should. "Sweatin' gravy" definitely sums up the feeling.
New High Tech Security Rings to Monitor Terrorist Activity
Washington, DC [Adam Felber, FA wire] - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced that the U.S. would be distributing new high-tech devices to its allies that will help the US monitor and prevent terrorist activitiy.
The expensive devices, made by MDR Electronics, are complex micromachines that can be worn as rings and are virtually indistinguishable from ordinary jewelery. However, the rings contain a number of important features, including microphones, GPS chips, a miniature radar-jamming device, and several other extraordinary features.
Secretary Runsfeld spelled out who would be receiving versions of the devices at a conference this morning. "Seven for Europe's heads of state, loyal to the bone. Three for the mullahs, in their caves of stone. Nine for the cabinet, secretaries, me. One for the President, our G.W.B." Rumsfeld then went on to elaborate on the additional security and military technology that will be included in the President's ring, including a "command module" that links it to all the other rings.
Asked whether world leaders might be resistant to wearing such devices which may infringe on personal privacy, Rumsfeld was dismissive. "Certainly, there is less privacy," he conceded, "but these are dark times, and I think the various features and powers that these rings endow their wearers with will far outweigh any smaller concerns."
The rings will be distributed sometime this month.
12:13 PM
Thursday, January 03, 2002
It begins.
It's funny, my projects fail spectacularly all the time, and yet I hardly ever walk away from them with millions of dollars. I seem to get the lead parachute more often than not. There oughta be a book on How To Fail Upwards. But I suppose if it was written by someone qualified for the task it wouldn't sell, no one would read it, and the author would thereupon become an editor at a large publishing house.
My friend Rob Paravonian is having a CD release party tonight at the eternally hip Luna Lounge. Rob would rather succeed downwards than fail upwards, I think, so please buy his album. Several times.
2:18 PM
Tuesday, January 01, 2002
Highlights of My Texas Trip
Rode on the President George Bush Highway. It’s weird – it takes you almost all the way there, and then for no apparent reason stops just short of your destination.
Celebrated the New Year. Television wasn’t much help: no countdown, no hooplah, just interviews in the rapidly emptying Times Square, where everybody seemed to think that celebrating New Years’ was SO sixty minutes ago.
Saw “The Royal Tennenbaums” and “In the Bedroom.” Worthy pictures, both of ‘em. “Tennenbaums” proves that Wes Anderson wants to be John Irving. And maybe he is.
Broke ALL of my Resolutions. Oh well. 2003 looks like a banner year for self-improvement.
11:35 PM