IRAN: Wow! I’m not saying you deserved that…
U.S.: Shut up.
IRAN: But you kinda deserved that.
U.S.: Shut up!
IRAN: Infidel. Hey, what’re you - what’s that on my right?
U.S.: …
IRAN: Are you invading Afghanistan?
U.S.: Yup. Hey, you better not be developing nukes.
IRAN: Oh, we’re not.
U.S.: Okay. Because you’re evil.
IRAN: Me?
U.S.: You’re part of an axis of evil. You, Iraq, and North Korea.
IRAN: Really?
U.S.: Oh yeah.
IRAN: We don’t even like Iraq. For godsakes, we just got done with a giant war with them.
U.S.: Nevertheless.
IRAN: And North Korea? I don’t really know those guys.
U.S.: You better not be developing nukes.
IRAN: Well…
U.S.: BAM!
IRAN: What was that!? On the left side?
U.S.: Nothing.
IRAN: It wasn’t nothing. You… you invaded Iraq, didn’t you?
U.S.: Maybe.
IRAN: Not maybe. There you are, right over the fence.
U.S.: Well, we thought they were going to develop nuclear weapons.
IRAN: Were they?
U.S.: Lemme check.
IRAN: …
U.S.: No. No they weren’t. But we thought they were. Let that be a lesson to you.
IRAN: Oh, it will be. I’m frickin’ surrounded now!
U.S.: Yeah.
IRAN: I mean what’re ya gonna do next? Invade Turkmenistan?
U.S.: Possibly.
IRAN: Well, feel free. That guy is nuts.
U.S.: …
IRAN: Let me ask you something. Why didn’t you level North Korea?
U.S.: North Korea?
IRAN: Yeah, you know… the other Axis of Evil country that’s not us.
U.S.: Oh. Well, they have nukes. That basically makes them uninvadable.
IRAN: I see.
U.S.: So the lesson here is “Don’t develop nukes.”
IRAN: Uh……. yeah. Sure. That’s what I’m takin’ away from it.
U.S.: …
IRAN: Man, you really pissed off some of your allies on your way in, didn’t you?
U.S.: They were weak. Who cares? Freedom fries for all!
IRAN: Interesting.
U.S.: Why?
IRAN: Oh, no reason.
U.S.: …
IRAN: Having some troubles over there?
U.S.: Shut up.
IRAN: Insurgency, huh? Man, I hate those.
U.S.: Would you shut up?
IRAN: …
U.S.: …
IRAN: Man, it looks bad. Like you won’t be able to invade anyone else for… what? Like 3 or 4 years?
U.S.: At least. This is not going as planned.
IRAN: What was the plan?
U.S.: Shut up.
IRAN: … at least three years, huh?
U.S.: …
IRAN: …
U.S.: Hey, what’re you doing?
IRAN: Nothing.
U.S.: You’re… you’re developing nukes, aren’t you?
IRAN: No.
U.S.: You are.
IRAN: Okay, yes.
U.S.: A-ha!
IRAN: Just for peaceful purposes, though.
U.S.: Really. I don’t buy it.
IRAN: No, really. We just want to make nuclear power plants. Believe me, the last thing we want to do is take advantage of this pickle you’re in next door in Iraq and next door in Afghanistan and with your fractured alliances and overcommitted military… to develop nuclear weapons and thus ensure that you won’t invade us. Believe me, that’s the last thing on our minds.
U.S.: ….
IRAN: …
U.S.: Now you’re making fun of me.
IRAN: Yeah. We’re making nukes.
U.S.: God damn it!
Fanny Roborat
49 comments
David
April 17, 2006 at 2:01 pm
1Damn, I’m first again.
This one was worth the delay, Adam.
Landis
April 17, 2006 at 2:14 pm
2God damn it! is right.
Ann
April 17, 2006 at 2:26 pm
3Perfect! I love the shout-out to Turkmenistan. That guy IS nuts.
Maximum Bob
April 17, 2006 at 3:13 pm
4And the amazing thing is, nobody could have forseen this.
Caroll
April 17, 2006 at 3:17 pm
5This made me laugh until I cried — thanks for keeping me smiling today!
Chuggo
April 17, 2006 at 3:35 pm
6A bowl of vanilla ice cream to you, Adam.
piglet
April 17, 2006 at 3:50 pm
7Wow. I am in awe. So funny. And pithy. And in words that people who like to say “git ‘er done” can understand. I wish it would show up tomorrow morning in every newspaper. Of course Doonesbury is in there every day and nothing’s changed, so what am I thinking…
siobhan
April 17, 2006 at 4:56 pm
8Sometimes I think satire is no longer possible because reality is too screwy and fucked up; imagination doesn’t stand a chance. But, in the hands of a master, reality can be succinctly summarized and turned into something even more perfect.
Thanks Adam.
dee
April 17, 2006 at 5:17 pm
9Well I wouldn’t invite either of these people to dinner.
cooper
April 17, 2006 at 5:27 pm
10Well, Adam, I guess in the end all the U.S. can do is curse our own stupidity.
Auros
April 17, 2006 at 8:53 pm
11Kinsley, while less funny, was in some ways even harsher…
Emmarie
April 17, 2006 at 10:47 pm
12Dee, maybe they could come to dinner, but certainly not at the same time. Could you imagine figuring out the seating for that one?
nigel
April 17, 2006 at 11:37 pm
13“We’re kind of sanctioned out at this point. We’re down to pistachios and rugs,” State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said in Washington.
The United States says it is not looking at restrictions on Iran’s oil and gas sectors on grounds that it is does not want to create hardship for the Iranian people. Iran is the world’s fourth-biggest oil exporter.
–Guy Faulconbridge, Reuters
uh huh.
Maximum Bob
April 17, 2006 at 11:47 pm
14The United States says it is not looking at restrictions on Iran’s oil and gas sectors on grounds that it is does not want to create hardship for the Iranian people. Iran is the world’s fourth-biggest oil exporter.
Yes, we don’t want to put the Iranians through the 20 or 30 seconds of hell it’ll take to find another buyer for their oil.
Even the quality of our rationalizations seems to be falling precipitously.
nick
April 18, 2006 at 12:23 am
15The Turkmenbashi is nuts but he is a different kind of nuts - he thinks that he is a sort of demi-god as opposed to Bush and Ahmadinejad who merely do God’s bidding. Also Turkmenistan has declared itself eternally neutral so that the population can be devoted to creating statues of their dear leader that rotate so that it is always facing the sun.
I would say that the Presidents of Iran and the US deserve each other but I don’t know if Iranians, Americans and the other people of the world deserve the fall out. Unfortunately I don’t think it matters how many times the stupidity of the rhetoric of the two world leaders is pointed out.
If Mahmoud and George sat down for a non-alcoholic drink together in a friendly atmosphere knowing they were both grandsons of Abraham who were right wing politicians who zealously worshipped the same god, they would get along great. I think beyond the language barrier they have a lot in common.
Buffalo Gal
April 18, 2006 at 3:20 am
16nick - the common god(s) are oil and money.
Dave D
April 18, 2006 at 8:25 am
17I believe this is your best post ever Adam. *Still* rolling on the floor ….
ice weasel
April 18, 2006 at 9:22 am
18Change the names and repeat as necessary. Welcome to the next two and half years of the bush imperial administration.
Oh, and rummy is doing a heckuva job.
Mary
April 18, 2006 at 9:36 am
19Activating W impersonation:
“Wow! Who could have seen that one coming?”
(Even *my* sarcasm is starting to wear thin.)
Sharon
April 18, 2006 at 2:20 pm
20If Christian fundamentalists really believe that the Apocalypse is near (talk about your self-fulfilling prophecies!), then why haven’t they taken all their money out of the banks? Are they still sending their kids to college and, if so, why? Other than their say-so, is there any objective evidence at all–other than sales figures for the *fictional* “Left Behind” series–that they really believe this shit?
Sharon
April 18, 2006 at 2:21 pm
21(I meant to preface that last post with a warning that it was slightly off-topic, but I must have chosen the wrong delimiters–it got swallowed up into the html black hole.)
cooper
April 18, 2006 at 8:06 pm
22President George W. Bush, April 18, 2006, Washington, DC. “I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I’m the decider, and I decide what is best. And what is best for America is for me to pull my head out of my ass, and git governin’” Okay, I made up the last sentence, but he’s “hearing voices” - probably not good. At least he reading the front page now, that’s a bit comforting. “But I’m the decider”… man, can’t you just hear Peter Sagal having fun with that one. As dangerous, meanspirited and stupid as Bush is, we’re going to miss him when he’s gone.
SeattleDan
April 18, 2006 at 8:33 pm
23I’m trying to remember if we’ve ever had a more embarassing president in our history.We’ve had our share of doofuses,but,c’mon,really.
Linkmeister
April 18, 2006 at 9:18 pm
24Dan, all those previous doofuses are gittin’ ready to come haunt you. They resent the comparison.
Maximum Bob
April 18, 2006 at 9:21 pm
25I’m trying to remember if we’ve ever had a more embarassing president in our history.We’ve had our share of doofuses,but,c’mon,really.
“…I’m the decider, and I decide what is best.” - Pres. Bush commenting on calls for Donald Rumsfeld to step down, April 18th, 2006
Occasionally, completely without intent, our president does answer a question.
David
April 18, 2006 at 9:57 pm
26Il Douche speaks ex orificii analus (Cooper, you gotta hand it to a guy who can keep his head implanted and still pseudoexpostulate).
Sincere apologies to Summer’s Eve for drawing a most unflattering comparison to their product.
Seattle Dan,
No.
Julia
April 18, 2006 at 10:44 pm
27DAMMIT somebody has to quit doing this reality-bending. “I’m the decider” — obviously some FanApper making well-deserved fun of Shrub, right? It took me three posts - thanks, M-Bob, for making it finally clear -
Jesus Christ. He really said “I’m the decider?”
Jesus Christ. Complete with middle initial and crutch.
P J Evans
April 18, 2006 at 10:48 pm
28Forget the pistachios. I believe we’re now exporting them (New Mexico, Arizona, and California all grow them). And that leaves … carpets and the huge market in sumaq and limu omani (dried whole lemons). [/sarcasm]
The dialog was ROFL.
Sharon
April 18, 2006 at 11:10 pm
29Cooper, I had much the same reaction when I unavoidably heard that on the radio. “He reads the front page now? All by himself? What paper is that, Weekly Reader? Why didn’t anyone follow up with a pop quiz on yesterday’s headlines?”
SeattleDan
April 19, 2006 at 12:09 am
30Weekly Reader? LOL,Sharon.Though I think he can read the funny papers,Mallard Fillmore being a particular favorite. Oh, and those Lockhorns really hit the nail on the head about marriage.And just what is that scamp,Dennis,up to today?
Sharon
April 19, 2006 at 7:54 am
31Did anyone see Easter Sunday’s “Mallard Fillmore”? What kind of fools does cartoonist Bruce Tinsley take us for? We’re really supposed to believe that Democrats are responsible for the present tax code, 5+ years into a Republican White House and Republican Congress? I want some of whatever he’s smoking. I don’t normally waste one of my Letters to the Editor on a cartoon, but I did this month.
Stephen
April 19, 2006 at 8:58 am
32So I’m listening to yesterday’s Radio Times on NPR Talk this morning. They are having a discussion about whether or not these 6 generals should be allowed to come forward with complaints. Both commentators (Andrew Bacevich and Lawrence Korb) said the generals had the right, but Andrew said they shouldn’t. He said that if a general has a problem with the war plan from the civilian leadership, then he needs to tell them bluntly that he thinks they are wrong, then if the administration doesn’t listen, the general can resign and that is really the only appropriate actions he can take.
Here is my problem. If I am a VP in a company, and I learn that my company is about to undertake criminal actions, if I protest privately (and don’t get fired) then quit quietly in protest, don’t I go to jail when the company gets busted? Shouldn’t we hold the military to the same standard?
Mary
April 19, 2006 at 11:17 am
33Stephen - if you are a general and you protest publicly, you get court marshaled and sent to the brig. Talk about a lose/lose situation. Kind of like the one the country is in with this “decider”.
Harold
April 19, 2006 at 11:39 am
34Oh, dear. No more Scottie Mac to kick around.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/04/19/mcclellan/index.html
Of course, any news on Rove that dosn’t involve him passing on to another plane of existence is no news at all. As long as his brain continues to function, Karl Rove is still going to be the Karl Rove of this administration.
gmwnkcmo
April 19, 2006 at 12:38 pm
35I’ve always said the best writing is short, pithy, hard as hell to do. You nailed it, Mr Felber. Well done. Again
Sharon
April 19, 2006 at 1:43 pm
36…a new person in charge of policy independent from Karl Rove
Yeah. Right. Whatever.
Stephen
April 19, 2006 at 1:47 pm
37Mary,
But if you’re a private, and you don’t protest you go to jail. When all the abuse pictures came out the poor low ranked guys all got court-marshaled for not protesting. What is up with that? Does anyone else see a problem here? Who was the “decider” that came up with this decision?
We need a “when to protest for deciders” handbook.
Sharon
April 19, 2006 at 1:50 pm
38Let’s look on the bright side! Moving Rove further away from the center of power–at least superficially–may be a sign that Patrick Fitzgerald is getting closer to the Oval Office.
siobhan
April 19, 2006 at 1:56 pm
39Given the current state of drought in Texas, I hope the water supply can handle the 7 month shower that Scottie will need so that he can purify himself from this ordeal.
siobhan
April 19, 2006 at 1:57 pm
40And Sharon, I like your hypothesis. (ses?)
Sharon
April 19, 2006 at 2:36 pm
41Stephen,
I think if you’re a private you’re in a no-win situation when it comes to following or refusing illegal orders.
Murray
April 19, 2006 at 4:22 pm
42Decider, Uniter, hard to believe that some folks still buy this shit.
siobhan
April 19, 2006 at 5:35 pm
43Decider, Uniter, hard to believe that some folks still buy this shit.
If they can listen to him without wincing at his mistreatment of the English language, then they probably won’t puke at the message either.
Maximum Bob
April 19, 2006 at 7:16 pm
44SeattleDan, you might like this article from Rolling Stone: The Worst President In History?
David
April 20, 2006 at 12:39 am
45Maximum Bob,
A most excellent article. He really covers the topic. For me, the case is closed. What’s to debate? GWB is Numero Uno in the Presidential Hall of Shame.
pissed off patricia
April 20, 2006 at 6:11 pm
46Out-freakin’ standing!
hedera
April 21, 2006 at 12:20 am
47Brilliant article; both of them, but especially the one in Rolling Stone. OK, when does the impeachment proceeding begin?
I was actually (for once) listening to the radio when Bush informed everyone that “I’m the decider” (I usually turn it off when I hear him), and I couldn’t believe it either. Gah.
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