From Reuters:
BAGHDAD - The United States and Britain piled pressure on Iraq’s leaders on Monday to break their deadlock over a new government and prime minister as quickly as possible and to disband sectarian militias to avoid civil war.
…”The Iraqi people are rightly demanding that they have a government after they braved the threats of terrorists to go to the polls and vote,” Rice told a joint news conference…
…Rice and Straw said foreign governments could not tell Iraqis who their next prime minister should be, but that Iraq’s international supporters must see progress.
[The following was found on Iraq’s night-stand, this morning.]
Dear Iraq,
Wow, this kind of thing is never easy. And before you panic, please understand that this is not a “Dear J’ohn letter.” No no no. Not at all. No.
At least, not yet.
It’s like this, though. When I entered into this relationship, I had certain expectations. Nothing big or elaborate. I mean, it’s not like I had a plan when I started seeing you. Definitely not. And it’s not like I had any idea whatsoever how it was going to end. I’m not like that - well, I used to be, but I’ve changed.
But I can’t deny that I had certain expectations. Who doesn’t, when it comes to relationships? I thought we both really liked democracy. You still say you do, but it doesn’t feel like that anymore, and I have to trust my feelings.
From the start, all my friends and family told me that this was wrong, that it wouldn’t work out. But I didn’t listen to them. I loved you. We had so much in common. Like… we were both into… not being killed by terrorists. And also… oil. - But not just oil- No! Don’t think that, not even for a minute. I mean, your oil is great, it’s amazing, and you have a TON of it, so much more than other countries, and all in the right places… I mean, WOW! But I loved you for more than that. Yes I did. I did.
I loved you enough to help you out of that bad relationship you’d been in for so long. And I have no regrets about that. I mean, that guy was killing you, and having him arrested was one of the best things I’ve ever done. I believe that. Even if some of the charges weren’t totally and completely true, he deserved it for what he did to you. I truly believe that, even today.
But now it looks like you haven’t learned to function without him. And that’s a problem. Yes, I understand why this is - 20+ years is a long time to be locked in an abusive relationship, and learning how to run your own life is hard. I understand that. I’m just not sure I’m the right one to help you through that anymore…
But wait - I’m NOT breaking up with you! No. Not right away. I said I’d help you get back on your feet so we could be together, and I meant it. I just didn’t expect it to be so hard, and I want you to know how I’m feeling.
I guess what I’m saying is that it’s not you. It’s me. I had unrealistic expectations. It’s not like I thought you’d be throwing flowers at my feet for having your guy arrested, but… okay, maybe that IS what I expected. But the point is… you have problems. Very, very deep problems that I didn’t see back when I fell in love with you. Because now I’m thinking that what I really fell in love with was the idea of you, not you as you really are - all messy and conflicted and needy. I’m not sure I can handle that.
Does that make me a terrible person? Do you hate me for that? I hope not. And I still hope we can make this work. I really, really do. But I had to let you know how I’m feeling. Just in case I have to - no. NO! I won’t even think it. Not yet.
But I need to think of myself, just a little. You’re not the only one with problems. So… please. Try to work through this and get yourself together. For our sake. Because I can’t prop you up for ever. And there’s no sense blaming me for putting you in this situation. You wanted this. You know you did. We both did. We did. And now we have to make this work. Both of us.
I’ll see you around 7 tonight. You should go ahead and have dinner - I’ll just grab something on the road.
Love,
The United States of America





54 comments
Mary
April 3, 2006 at 3:16 pm
1Countries who love to much. Sounds like a book title to me ;-D
Iraq
April 3, 2006 at 3:18 pm
2Oh, US… Well, I sorta saw it coming. You always seemed to be looking past me anyway. You probably think I didn’t notice whenever your glance lingered on Iran… sometimes I think the only reason you moved in with me was to get closer to her.
Whatever. Jerk.
siobhan
April 3, 2006 at 3:19 pm
3Hell hath no fury…
Julia
April 3, 2006 at 3:32 pm
4Afghanistan was right…I should have listened, but nooooo, I was going to give the big guy a chance.
Bitter? Who, me?
Iraq
Rob E.
April 3, 2006 at 3:36 pm
5This is really the best idea yet.
Iraq: Well, the infighting, constant violence, broken infrastructure, and the we’re-still-not-calling-it-a-civil-war wasn’t really enough of a motivating force, but now that we know that Condi really, really wants it to happen, we may just have see what we can do.
Scooby
April 3, 2006 at 3:47 pm
6Do I hear Bush breaking into song…
“Don’t cry for me Mesopotamia…”
Woody
April 3, 2006 at 4:42 pm
7I know what this is. You’ve seen “Hannah and her Sisters” haven’t you? And it gave you ideas, didn’t it. Well, you just try it! I’ll never let you go! You are mine forever!
-Iraqi and his brothers
Thomas Crapper
April 3, 2006 at 4:57 pm
8So, Iraq, you through with the pot yet, or what?
Emmarie
April 3, 2006 at 5:03 pm
9This does, I think, bring up the interesting point of whether it’s worth not helping someone out of authoritarianism whom we can’t effectively aid to democracy?
I’m not saying this war was indeed just to help Iraq out of authoritarianism, but since that’s the line we’re giving Iraq now, that’s the topic about which I wonder now.
Ann
April 3, 2006 at 5:19 pm
10Is it just me, or does anyone else think that Adam’s a little TOO good at penning breakup letters?
“It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.”
dAVE
April 3, 2006 at 5:43 pm
11Brilliant, Adam.
The bit about having been in an abusive relationship for so long is really apt. Right after the invasion when the coalition forces couldn’t or wouldn’t do anything about the looting, I knew it was already lost. You can’t just take the lid off of an authoritarian country and expect everything to go well. As bad as Saddam was, the people there expected a certain amount of security, and when that was gone - it was very frightening.
Add a bunch of released criminals, unemployed disgruntled ex-military, and lots and lots of guns, ammo, and munitions, and what do you expect?
Oh, and the convenient target of rude foreigners who have a nasty habit of blowing stuff up and not actually apologizing when they hit the wrong target.
Maximum Bob
April 3, 2006 at 6:29 pm
12I guess what I’m saying, dear Iraq, is that it’s time each of us started invading other countries.
Ann
April 3, 2006 at 7:05 pm
13And you’ve already had a war with Iran–now it’s our turn!
Murray
April 3, 2006 at 7:48 pm
14Korea, Viet Nam, now Iraq. The US just has commitment phobia. It’s good at a one night stand, (Panama, Grenada, Iraq 15 years ago), but when the other starts talking about a long term open ended relationship, that’s when the US starts packing.
cooper
April 3, 2006 at 8:00 pm
15Ann, I have to agree that Adam does seem to have a way with “kiss off”. I bet he sat down at the computer and it just flowed onto the screen and out into the cyber. Of course now, Ann, you seem pretty good yourself - very much to the point; zero fluff, zero bullshit.
Corwin Haught
April 3, 2006 at 8:14 pm
16Did you say “Letter from America”?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/letter_from_america/default.stm
Hot Tub Tommy
April 3, 2006 at 8:42 pm
17Well folks, for those of you who missed my speech at the War on Christians Conference in Washington, DC, I want to point out something that the great Evangelical preacher Rev. Rick Scarborough said about me. I got this off the AP wire.
“Scarborough, former pastor of the First Baptist Church of Pearland, alluded to DeLay’s legal difficulties and offered encouragement as DeLay left. “God always does his best work right after a crucifixion,” Scarborough said.”
That was cute, wasn’t it? Of course, now I have to come up with nail holes in my hands, somehow. I would fake it with make-up or even tattoos, but a lot of these superstitious Bible thumpers will want to come up to me and try to put their finger through the holes, just like in the New Testament. Christ, what simps these fundamentalists can be! Anyway, I’ve got my staff working on a portable hologram generator that will fit under my coat and make it look like there really are holes in my hands and, yes, those with inquiring minds will be able to stick their finger through the holes.
Yet another legal snag has presented itself. When I was indicted, some asshole in the Texas Dept of Public Safety pulled my permit to carry a concealed weapon. How am I going to win re-election, if I have to go around like some candy-ass, limp wristed liberal faggot who’s not packing heat? What has happened to this country since I stepped down as Majority Leader? Jesus Christ! Be sure to make your tax deductable contribution to help with my blah, blah, blah… and do it now.
Yours until the Second Coming and then it’s everyone for themselves,
Rep. Thomas DeLay (R, TX)
dee
April 3, 2006 at 10:42 pm
18Hot Tub Tommy! In honor of baseball’s opening day –Yerrrrrrrrr out!
nigel
April 3, 2006 at 11:10 pm
19Dear Iraq,
Darling, I know you went through a lot with Sadman (don’t I know!), but you don’t want to fall back on another two-timing chest-beater like uncle Sam. As for the Strawman, ’nuff said. He and Tony are kinda sweet, but they’re so pale! And I wear a chador all the time!
Lotsaluv,
Irana
[or possibly Michael Jackson in mufti]
nigel
April 3, 2006 at 11:30 pm
20I wonder my blood
Will you ever return
To help us kick the life back
To a dying mutual friend
Do we not love her?
Do we not say we love her?
Do we have to roam the world
To prove how much it hurts?
–The Proclaimers
(Letter from America)
siobhan
April 4, 2006 at 12:07 am
21Okay, temporarily off topic. (sorry) I had to join the latest fun… making your own SUV commercial. (Weasel, this should be a required project for members of the Prius owners group.) Here’s my first attempt. Actually, it’s not entirely off topic because many of the efforts I’ve seen reference the war.
siobhan
April 4, 2006 at 12:27 am
22Tommy, we want our donations back!
Maximum Bob
April 4, 2006 at 12:50 am
23Outstanding move, Tommy! Now you can spend more quality time with your defense lawyers.
SeattleDan
April 4, 2006 at 2:38 am
24Tommy,those awful bleeding holes in the hands and the chest are known as the “stigmata” as in stagmatized. That’s ok, you didn’t go to one of those high-falutin’ divinity schools,so why should you know? But what is this about you dropping out of your congressional race? Why would you betray America like that? Have you gone to the other side? I fear it’s true. And I’m crying myself to sleep.Well,maybe I’m crying myself to sleep because my Alma Mater lost to Florida tonight.But I’ll keep telling myself all year: We’re number two! We’re number two!
Richard Milhaus Nixon
April 4, 2006 at 6:50 am
25Oh well… you won’t have Tom DeLay to kick around anymore!
I’ve always thought that was particularly poignant and lyrical phrasing. I made that up myself - no handlers, no speech writers.
Time to be dead again. Oh well… you won’t have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore! God, that’s good!
cooper
April 4, 2006 at 8:48 am
26Siobhan for Chevy… I can just hear Tom T. Hall saying that now.
I’m not sure that the marketing dept. @ General Motors is all that attuned to irony as a sales mechanism, but I will say that truth in advertising is refreshing. I’m equally sure that they did not have smart-ass cyber geeks in mind when they put that site up. But it is smooth and catchy and I like the soundtrack. Well done! Buy a Tahoe now - for a front row seat at the Apocalypse.
Mary
April 4, 2006 at 9:41 am
27Siobhan- nice commercial. Beats my yelling “Gasshole” every time I see a Hummer ;-D
Stephen
April 4, 2006 at 11:32 am
28GASSHOLE? ROTFL!! That’s great!! That’s not trademarked is it? LOL
Stephen
April 4, 2006 at 11:51 am
29Siobhan,
Loved the commercial. I don’t think you will win though!
Allison
April 4, 2006 at 12:05 pm
30Gasshole? Bwuhahahahahahahahahahaha! I am so using that!
I see *so* many of those here in the land of the wing-nuts!
siobhan
April 4, 2006 at 12:27 pm
31Mary, you are so much more polite than I.
Matt
April 4, 2006 at 1:39 pm
32Back to Iraq as Shrub’s (estranged) lover: I’ve been wondering for quite some time if the POTUS was thinking only with his private parts.
David
April 4, 2006 at 3:51 pm
33Matt,
Thinking?
Seattle Dan,
Your agony is my ecstasy. We were number 2 in 2000. It’s better than 3-65.
Iraq,
OK, so I left you in a violent state of f.u.b.a.r. And I have no intention of providing any financial assistance for you to put yourself back together. But there’s no need to be bitter.
The United States of America
ice weasel
April 4, 2006 at 5:30 pm
34H.T. Tommy, re: today’s news, you’re such a wuss.
Murray
April 4, 2006 at 6:05 pm
35HT Tommy. You pulled out not because the FBI was breathing down your neck but because you didn’t want to raise so much money or be in a contentious fight? Damn bummer that your former chiefs of staff have pleaded guilty and are saving their skins by throwing you to the dogs. But your lies keep getting more blatant.
Only question now is how long before you enjoy your future in prison?
I’m off to enjoy Silicon and Napa Valley. Hope to check in now and then.
Sharon
April 4, 2006 at 6:25 pm
36It’s kind of too bad that the Danbury FCI is now a women’s prison, else I’d be hoping that Hot Tub Tommy and his former aide end up there so that I could go visit them and help them find their way back to Jesus.
Maximum Bob
April 4, 2006 at 6:35 pm
37Hope you have a good time here in California, Murray, but I’ve got to tell you, it’s been raining for ages here in Silicon Valley and it looks like it’s going to continue for two more weeks. Our gills are growing gills.
cooper
April 4, 2006 at 6:39 pm
38Murray, you might be a redneck… if you take a tour of the NAPA Valley, thinking you’ll be seeing how all them auto parts are made. (Apologies to Jeff Foxworthy.)
cooper
April 4, 2006 at 7:56 pm
39Siobhan, I loved the irony of your commercial. Well done! BTW, I posted a previous comment of praise this morning, but it seems to have been given the hook.
Becca (& Brian)
April 5, 2006 at 1:18 am
40Siobhan-
Commercial kudos from China!
Too good.
Becca
David
April 5, 2006 at 9:36 am
41Siobhan,
Commercial kudos from the Green Swamp as well. Wicked good offering to the American Devolution competition. Looking forward to the awards presentation for your winning entry. Would have been really cool if it had been at halftime of the NCAA men’s championship game Monday night, maybe bookended by a Chevrolet ad and an Army ad.
Stephen
April 5, 2006 at 1:01 pm
42What does it say about our country that when the “going gets tough” we fold up tents and want to go home. Powel was right way back when with the “Pottery Barn Rule”. I’m betting no one ever made Bush clean up his old game before he started an new one when he was a kid.
And on a different note, do they actually think Iran will be any better? Iranians actually like their government, right?
Steve
April 5, 2006 at 2:49 pm
43“Rice and Straw“.
Doesn’t that sound like some quintessentially British dish, like “Bubble and Squeak“, “mushy peas“, or “phone sex felafel“?
Okay, that last one is actually Bill O’Reilly’s favorite dish, but you get my drift, don’t ya?
Maximum Bob
April 5, 2006 at 3:35 pm
44Stephen, if you believe, as I do, that civil war in Iraq is inevitable no matter how long we stay there, what’s the incentive to stay there one day longer? Sure, I’d like Bush to clean up the mess he created, provided I thought there was a way to actually do it.
The “cut and run” criticisms coming from the wingnuts will continue until Bush announces we’re leaving, at which time “cut and run” will morph into “strategic withdrawal.”
siobhan
April 5, 2006 at 4:38 pm
45Glad y’all liked that. I tried one more. Now I’ll stop, I promise. But it sure is fun.
cooper
April 5, 2006 at 4:59 pm
46siobhan, you’re having great fun with this, aren’t you? And you do have a talent. Just don’t take it to the dark side, okay?
siobhan
April 5, 2006 at 5:03 pm
47Cooper, I don’t know that it’s talent. It’s pretty easy to do those things - they supply all the tools, you just supply the cynical world-view.
Ann
April 5, 2006 at 5:31 pm
48Siobhan, that’s brilliant! I can’t believe that Chevrolet is letting people subvert this tool so completely. Marvelous!
Stephen
April 6, 2006 at 9:57 am
49Max Bob,
I guess my frustration comes from knowing that we screwed up so thoroughly that redemption might be impossible there. I heard something on NPR the other day about one of the insurgents saying how happy the people when the US moved in. He said it was actually hard to get recruits. He then went on to say how the US antagonized the people into the insurgency. What’s up with that?
Didn’t the Germans do the same thing in WWII when they moved into Russia? Hedra, help me out here. Isn’t that what happened?
Maximum Bob
April 6, 2006 at 5:50 pm
50Believe me, Stephen, I share your frustration.
hedera
April 6, 2006 at 9:34 pm
51Well, when we went into Iraq, all the neocons were convinced - they actually seemed to believe this themselves - that we would be welcomed as liberators, with flowers, so that was their line.
Given that Iran has been calling the U.S. “The Great Satan” since 1979, burning our flag and chanting, “Death to America” at rallies, do you think the neocons will have the cojones to try to sell “The Iranians will love us as liberators” to John Q. Public?? I know ad people are totally without scruple, but…
David
April 7, 2006 at 9:12 am
52hedera,
They’ve been working the angle for quite a while that because there are younger Iranians who want the ayatollahs out of power, we could attack and create an opening for an overthrow and the embracing of the US. Amazing how oblivious we are to other people’s nationalism. Actually, what’s really amazing is how oblivious this administration is to pretty much everything we generally categorize as reality. Kind of like the kid who jumps out of a third-story window with a Superman cape on because he believes he can fly.
Stephen
April 7, 2006 at 11:10 am
53I didn’t know cojones meant stupidity. That would be the only definition for anything I can apply to the Bush Administration.
I think they are planning to fall back on the old standby “Get them before they get us!” That is what I get if I listen to the echo chamber that is Fox News.
David
April 7, 2006 at 7:52 pm
54Stephen,
In Bush’s case, it does mean stupidity. He has a seriously impaired brain in his cranium, and a secondary one, the one that drives his decision-making, in his scrotum.