It’s time, folks. Load up on your favorite intoxicant, invite your friends over, and prepare yourself for what promises to be a stellar State of the Union Address and a tremendously cathartic accompanying Drinking Game. For three years, Fanatical Apathy has been providing you with this fun, unique, and unhealthy coping mechanism.

Once again, I’ve retooled the rules a bit to reflect the changing times. Despite a full-scale war, however, you’ll note that not a lot has changed since last years drink-fest. If there are a couple more opportunities to get thoroughly plastered this year, it’s only because I’m guessing that people’s tolerances might have gone up a bit during the past 12 months of being Driven to Drink by our current administration. With that, I give you:

The State of the Union Drinking Game! (2004 Edition)

The address, as always, will be divided into two parts: “The War On and Around Terrorism” and “The Economy, Stupid.” The rules vary depending on the subject Bush is tackling, so pay attention:

1) The War

- Whenever the President says “evil,” everyone must raise their glass and take a drink. It’s good form to make a brief toast of sorts, something like “Down with evil!” or “Evil is bad!” “Evil” should be pronounced with a soft “i” [”Evihl”].

- Whenever the President utters the phrase “weapons of mass destruction,” everyone drinks. Before downing the drink, however, everyone must affect a cartoony Evil Arab voice and say things like “Quick, hide the weapons!” and “They’ll never find ‘em here!”

- At any point during the War portion of the speech, any player may assume the role of Rogue Nation - exclaiming “Yikes!” and then ducking and cowering. Everyone else must follow suit immediately. The last player to do so becomes the Next Pre-empted Nation, who is then obliged to take a drink.*

- If the President mentions the name “Osama bin Laden,” immediately go to your computer and access a travel website like “Orbitz” or “Travelocity.” Book the new weekend special getaway that will have appeared, a discount ski trip in Hell.

2) The Economy

- Every time the President makes mention of a spending package totaling $1 billion or more, everyone must raise their glass, exclaim “What deficit?” and take a good, hearty sip.

- During the Domestic portion of the speech, keep your eyes peeled. At any time, anyone can choose to silently extend their hand forward, palm up, to receive a Corporate Handout. When you see someone do this, you must do so as well (thus becoming one of “The Rich”). The last person to extend their hand becomes “The Bottom 90%” and must drink, while everyone else yells things like “Who let him in?!” and “Get a job!” and “You’d be pulling your own weight if you didn’t drink so much!”

- Whenever the President makes mention of “tax cuts” or “tax breaks” or “tax relief” (new or old), pump your fist in glee and exclaim “Yes!” Hold the pose. The last person to do this automatically becomes The Future, the living embodiment of generations yet to come. All the other players must then take The Future’s drink and pass it between them, taking large sips. During this, The Future should protest weakly, saying things like “Whoa, easy there,” and “Hey, leave me something, huh?” This continues until The Future’s drink is empty.**

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*No matter how dangerously drunk the Pre-empted Nation becomes, nobody is permitted to suggest that they be given a break. Anyone who does so immediately becomes “France,” and is obliged to finish their own drink while being ridiculed by the other players.

**Certain more, um, progressive groups of players might want to consider literally screwing The Future for good measure. Because this is just a game rather than our actual reality, however, everyone’s consent is required, including The Future’s.